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Hey everybody, lately I've been writing a short story on the side, just for grins. I'm attempting to be comedic, along the lines of Douglas Adams, though not quite as random.

I've already asked a few friends what they thought of it, and one said that I didn't spend enough time developing chapter one or the characters. So I heavily edited chapter one and I hope this is the final draft.

Please read it and tell me what you think!

Linky: My Short Story

Ugh, I'm headed to bet soon so I'm not going to read the whole thing tonight. But a few things while I'm still conscience:

Please use paragraphs.



Long sentence, divide it up or restructure.

[quote] and dashed off, running away at full speed, acting as though he could get in trouble for acting so suspicious.[quote]

Running at full seed WOULD be suspicious. I know what your saying, but fix the logic.

You use dash a lot.

Alright, that's enough for now. Interesting story though It's 5am here though... and I still haven't slept from yesterday.

Thanks, Sid! That's helpful information. I'll re-format it and give it a little more structure.

Lol, just saw what I wrote last night. I put my comments inside a quote... man was I tired .

Continuing on:



Sort of an awkward sentence. Maybe try to attach it to the previous one, but work it in better.

Maybe try: After stepping off the plane, Ricky noticed a man dressed in a tuxedo and carrying an umbrella walking over to him. Ricky didn't quite know what to do in the presence of this man, and felt a bit awkward, but the man alleviate the tension by dropping the umbrella at his feet and leaving. Struck by the sheer strangeness of everything that happened to him lately, Ricky just stood there staring at the umbrella and wondered why the man hadn't kept it to keep himself dry. The man turned around and saw that Ricky was still still standing there, staring at the umbrella.

"Are you daft? Pick up the bloody umbrella and read the note!" yelled the tuxedo man. Snapping out his own little world, Ricky moved quickly to pick up the umbrella, eager to find out if this note had anything that would explain today's bizarre events. He tore open the envelope, flipped the note around, but his dismay, it contained a solitary word: Duck". "Duck?", Ricky thought to himself? But soon all became apparent as a green, metal object passed between his eyes and the note he was reading. Ricky may have not understood what was going on, but he did understand that the object passing in front of him was, without a doubt, a grenade. Suddenly, he realize the value of "duck" and took evasive actions.

That's all for now, I have to get ready to leave the house.

In that paragraph I tried to convey a sense of strangeness to the reader by trying to get the reader to have some empathy toward Ricky. I tried to put the reader in his shoes by building up some suspension of the umbrella and the eagerness to read the note. There are mini climaxes and anti climaxes in this paragraph as well. The eagerness to read the note, but the disappointment of finding one word.

More later.

That's great! I'll see if I can add it in, but use my own words. I like your writing style, it's very good. I like how you build up the tension and such. However, I think it's a bit long for what I'm going for, so I might shorten it just a little bit.

Thanks Sid!

Here's a link to the revised story, I also re-wrote the paragraph again, so I removed the original quote in this post.

Linky

This is the entirety of the story so far. Please (anyone) tell me what you think of it!

Just glancing through it, it looks to be manly dialogue.

Try to add more imagery and such.

Yeah, I was thinking about that earlier. I'm not very good at adding imagery. Honestly, I'm used to writing scripts with almost nothing but dialogue, so this is a bit of a stretch for my imagination.

Thanks for your input, Quirkyjim!