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Geek Culture / Website Text Needs Review

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Epimetheus
21
Years of Service
User Offline
Joined: 5th Oct 2003
Location: Naples, Florida
Posted: 27th Feb 2009 23:08 Edited at: 27th Feb 2009 23:09
Hi, I'm about to launch a new website and I believe the text badly needs revision.

I would highly appreciate anyone giving me some input on what I should do to the text(or even make a new version altogether).

My website is koy-design.com.

Here is the text from the sections I'm most interested in:


Quote: "The Koy Philosophy

At Koy Design we believe that the design for anything, whether it be a fully fledged website or a simple logo, should be done with the care and vision equivalent to a masterpiece work of art. This philosophy extends not only to our visual media, but also to the underlying technical elements which drive the design. Our attention to detail ensures that the final product functions smoothly and efficiently while staying true to every element of the initial vision.

While Koy Design offers a premium service we strive to do everything possible to offer it for a fair price. This is made possible through the combined use of in-house designing and our network of trusted specialists and consultants. When utilizing the work of a specialist in a project, however, it is rigorously examined and edited by our own team to ensure project uniformity.

We at Koy Design are certain that whether you have a vision or would like us to create one for you, the final product of our work will meet and even exceed expectations. Come and let Koy create your masterpiece today.
"


Quote: "About Koy

Koy Design is a conglomerate effort of designers with decades of experience, young technical specialists, and expert consultants. Few lead designers oversee all aspects of a project in order to ensure cohesion and adherence to the final vision. Koy Design was founded in 2008 with the simple goal of providing premium services with the utmost attention to detail. Every project we take on, we approach as if we were creating a work of art, and indeed that is what we strive to achieve."



General flow and language use is mainly what I'm concerned with but any other observations are welcome.

Thanks!
Epimetheus
21
Years of Service
User Offline
Joined: 5th Oct 2003
Location: Naples, Florida
Posted: 27th Feb 2009 23:10
I've been considering completely re-writing the whole thing as well. I've started a new tangent that goes like this:

Quote: "The Koy Philosophy is centered on the stringent belief that a design regardless of form must be treated with the care and vision equivalent to a masterpiece work of art. "


How do you think it compares to the original?
Venge
18
Years of Service
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Joined: 13th Sep 2006
Location: Iowa
Posted: 27th Feb 2009 23:17
Quote: " When utilizing the work of a specialist in a project, however, it is rigorously examined and edited by our own team to ensure project uniformity."


The "however" is sort of unnecessary there, breaks up the sentence flow.

Quote: "the final product of our work will meet and even exceed expectations."


I think that word should be "or". You can hardly meet and exceed something at the same time.

Quote: "and expert consultants. Few lead designers oversee"


Try changing "Few" to "Our".

Quote: " Every project we take on, we approach as if we were creating a work of art, and indeed that is what we strive to achieve."


This sentence is kind of awkward...How about

Quote: "We approach every project as if creating a work of art, which is indeed what we strive to achieve."


Hope that helped. Good luck with your website.

Epimetheus
21
Years of Service
User Offline
Joined: 5th Oct 2003
Location: Naples, Florida
Posted: 1st Mar 2009 15:27
Very good critique, thanks alot Venge

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