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*NOTE: Apologies about the way the text is set up; posting this on forums makes it all screwy (the story)*
*NOTE: This will be updated (first post and otherwise) until the novella is finished. Then I'll post a thread claiming that it's done, enjoy*

One
Have you ever had the feeling of fear; pure fear? Even somewhere as safe as school is dangerous, especially in the boys’ locker room.
Let me explain. Us boys love to fight, rough-house, swear, all that stuff. My name is Russell Lincoln, and I am a junior at Taylor Allderdice High School in Pittsburgh. Back in 1955, there were no metal detectors, and not many security guards. Everyone felt safe and sound, even when they knew that a certain someone was carrying a penknife his entire career at high school. That certain someone loved to bully, no matter what. He was the star quarterback on the Dragons football team, and I was the linebacker, and sometimes Coach Mitchell put me in as the wide receiver. That was a particularly hazardous situation as everyone knew how hard and fast the quarterback threw the ball. The quarterback was none other than Xavier Vincent. He’s also the school’s bully, as I mentioned before. He adored his position on the football field, and for that reason, he always threw the ball to me. Albeit a bit too hard and fast, as it’d usually jab me in the stomach. I usually didn’t know that I had to run the ball to the end zone before it was too late and the opposing team tackled me. Hard. I then would wake up in the locker room (home games were common back then) looking at Xavier. I would get beat up even more. But enough of carrying on.
Somehow I was asleep when my best buddy, Lucas Mannerheim, lightly tapped me with his fork and said that I was sleeping in my food. It was noon on a beautiful autumn day, and I was somehow tired. Probably from getting socked the previous night at another home game. I woke up and confusedly starting eating. As usual, Xavier and his group were sitting at the table across from where I was and before I took notice, a big glob of gelatin hit me in the face. Xavier cackled and shouted, “Hey Lincoln! Start picking up the damn pace during the football games and maybe I’ll stop screwing with ya!” He then flicked out his knife and waved it at me. I carried an expensive Swiss army knife and I used it to show off, intimidate, or just for self-protection. Today it was for all three reasons. I flicked it out, the beautifully made black and gold handle with the nickel finish shining in the light. I threatened him with a rough voice, “You ain’t number one, even if your jersey says so. Shut the hell up or you’ll have this piece of art shoved in your eyes.”
Xavier slithered up to me and looked me straight in the eye. He whispered so close to my face that he spit, “Russell, I’m not causing trouble. I’ll destroy you if I get the chance at tomorrow’s game.” Just then, Lucas grabbed him and shoved him aside. “You’re not tough,” he growled. Xavier just cowardly walked away before a teacher came over to us and told us to put our blades away or we’ll get into big trouble with the police. I agreed and apologized, explaining that it was for protection. The teacher, Miss Burnside, said that she understood what happened and said that this is a safe place, the school. Little did she know that she was wrong. Dead wrong.

* * *
Friday night’s game was scheduled for seven in the evening, so I had to hurry up as it was already six-thirty. When we got there, my parents paid admission as I hurried to the locker room so Coach could brief us on what we had to do.
“Dragons, today is an important day, as all other. Those Brashear Bulls are out there looking for a fight. We’re gonna give them a fight and we’re gonna win. Got it?”
“Yes, Coach!” we all replied.
“Then let’s get out there!”
We all screamed a battle cry as we gathered our helmets and ran onto the field. Xavier caught me and literally dragged me back into the locker room. “Alright buddy, what do you think your head’s going to look like after I’m done?”
I sarcastically responded, “You mean what your head’s gonna look like? Pretty bad.” Yeah, horrible move, I know, but I had to get him angrier than anything so I could get ready to destroy him.
Xavier just chuckled and flicked out his penknife. I forgot that I didn’t have mine so I got nervous. The locker room doors were already open so I made a run for it. But my attacker, taking no chances, dashed after me. The game was underway and it stopped immediately as soon as everyone saw the knife. Everyone - Bulls and Dragons – made a mad dash towards our quarterback as he tried to fend them off, stabbing Coach Mitchell in the leg in the process. He then knocked me out and tried to run up the bleachers.
The police got there fast. Last I remember I saw the officers armed with .45 caliber pistols and shotguns arresting Xavier. The game was canceled and there was a court hearing planned for the next day. I was placed as the star witness and would be under the protection of guards at the courthouse. He was charged with about ten counts of assault, and two counts of battery; one for stabbing the coach and the other for knocking me out and attempting to murder me. The fool. I hope he rots in prison. Based on accounts from me, the coach, and various players and spectators, he was guilty of all charges. But I changed a lot. I became scared and paranoid. I stopped going to school. Everyone understood and I was allowed to be temporarily homeschooled; both parents had learned at Allderdice and they helped me out. I was taken to therapists and was diagnosed with extreme paranoia, panic and nervousness. I told the counselors at school that this all started when I first met Xavier; instead of a handshake or just a short conversation, he threatened to cut me up if I ever failed in a football game. I lived in mortal fear of this character, and the mistrust would stay with me until my demise.

Ok, and this is a story or real? XD

Anyways, it was good

Interesting, the content was good enough for me to want to read more, but there are a few bits that I think need tidying up, so I'll provide my critique.




I'd say that this is washed over a bit - all that you have here could be expanded upon. I'll talk about 'showing vs telling', certain parts of a narrative are best told and others are best shown, by this I mean (in relevance to your writing) 'I became scared and paranoid' is an example of telling - you've told us that you became scared and paranoid, but would it be better to show what you're like afterwards, expand it into a situation where you show your character is just like that, for example when walking home from school, you sweat, you look over your shoulder and when you see a man walking towards you, you flitch or start panicking. This might be a good way to show this. Then you won't need to tell us, because sometimes an audience can learn that for themselves if it's shown to them.

If that makes sense - I'm rushing this, so if you need me to clarify or expand anything because I've gone through it too quickly, they by all means ask.



You're already told/shown this to us, you don't need to tell us again.


But I've got to shoot, so I'll continue this critique later.

Thank for for your criticism, I will change what you said to.

# bergice: Sorry I missed your post. This story is realistic fiction, but the chances of this happening are slim to none.

Allderdice is a real school; I go there.

This is good! I'll definitely stand by for the rest.

No offense, but your story comes off pretty childish. It's all choppy and repetitive.

For example:

Somehow I was asleep when my friend said that I was sleeping. I was somehow tired. Sentence fragment. I woke up. ~ You used three short sentences and a fragment to explain how the narrator woke up.

Second, you are throwing in way too many unimportant details.

No one really cares what kind of weapons the officers used to arrest the kid. Instead, you could have made the sentence more descriptive of how the officers made the arrest, not what guns they used or what pants they wore. In fact, your whole first paragraph is just a description of the setting. Usually those details are slowly leaked to the reader.

Another thing is your pacing is all off. Within a couple sentences you go from the coach encouraging the team to a court case over a violent rampage. A couple sentences later, the main character is home schooled, isolated, and diagnosed with extreme mental problems. You make such huge leaps with your train of thought, that it just doesn't flow well for the reader.

But the most important thing is, keep on writing and finish your tale! Once you complete a project like this, your brain turns on a switch and you get confidence in your ability to do it again. Each time you finish writing, you make big leaps forward in the quality of your work. And I'm interested in how this story ends

Thank you all. This is my first actual project in freelance writing, and I wouldn't know how to do sentence fragments. I also didn't know that I'd have to put in how they arrested Xavier. They gt the guy handcuffed, boom, that's it.

Good story, really interesting. Maybe a little fast paced, but I can't wait for more!

Yeah, I can see what Jimbo means about that fast-paced part. But I enjoyed reading it actually.

EDIT: it would also be better with a bit more concentration on the locker room, since that's the title.

The thingie about the weapon as Jimpo pointed out was the part that made it all somewhat fall a little. I mean, since you write this in the first person perspective it seems weird that the protagonist actually takes note of what kind of weapon the police had. In that situation, I would never try to figure out what type of pistol the guys have in their hands.

Nice start though, it was a good read overall!

I agree.

I also agree with the people saying it's fast-paced. Fast-paced can be good (and I like it a lot) for a lot of stories, but in some places you do make rather large leaps. You should also concentrate a bit more on the locker room , as Uncle Sam said.

Besides that, I think that this chapter might serve better as an introduction to your story, but I'm not the author, so I can't judge. It's up to you on how you organize and tell your story.

This is a really good story so far. I like how you're telling it from the protagonist's view, it's really interesting. Keep up the good work!