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Geek Culture / Feedback on little paper?

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Irojo
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Location: Eating toast.
Posted: 27th Aug 2009 06:43 Edited at: 28th Aug 2009 06:50
Hello guys, today, for twenty minutes, I felt philosophical. An idea came to mind, and while I was (and am) tired, I decided to write. I really have no idea as to the level of my writing skills, and that's partially why I decided to post.

The other reason, is the only people I'd be willing to tell, I don't think would give me an honest answer.
Please be aware that it could very well be the worst thing ever written. Or you don't agree with me. But please, please don't be too harsh. Remember, I spent no more than twenty minutes writing this. I haven't gone over it, so I think I can guarantee error.

With no more delay, my paper, titled "Do you believe in magic?". No cringing please.
--
Do you believe in magic?
It is an age old question that every person has been asked at least once in their life. Sarcastically, curiously, subtly, the question has been asked. And it is very likely that when you were asked this question, you listened more than anyone thought. Perhaps you laughed. Perhaps you ignored the person who asked. Or perhaps you ignored the text, staring at you, on paper, or on a computer screen.

Can you answer the question? Certainly, but to do so with honesty is hardly a simple thing to do. Inside of a good many of us to some degree is a firm desire to let such a question rest. It is not a comfortable question to answer. There is no good answer. Quit a few people want to believe in magic. However, only a few children truly do.

When life takes a harsh turn, maybe the question comes to mind; Do you believe in magic? And in the deepest depths of your heart, you know the answer. But for some of us, arguably all of us, the smallest grain of hope remains. That small fragment of hope never truly dies out. Like rice, it doesn’t go bad and go away. It is so deeply protected no maggot can get at it. But the grain of rice never grows, and the plant remains indefinitely dormant.

The question nags you, even as you read these words. It’s a powerful question. To say “No.” renounces your childhood. It renounces your person, and your whole being. Likely you have said that to someone. Also likely, you didn’t truly mean it. To be accepted in society, you cannot be childish. But many of us are.

Don’t answer the question. That probably suits you best. Such a powerful question ought not to be answered. To answer it extinguishes the power of the words. In many of us, is a firm, albeit small, hope for magic. To each of us, the words have a different meaning. To each of us, the power of the word varies. But to such a large percentage of us, the question has an age old power that brings us to the roots of our lives; Do you believe in magic?
--
And again, if it's horrible, please forgive me for your time wasted.


Time is money. I just ripped you off.
zeroSlave
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Posted: 27th Aug 2009 22:11 Edited at: 27th Aug 2009 22:38
Seems like too many commas throughout.
"It is an age old question, that every person has been asked, at least once in their life."
I would think could be:
"It is an age old question that every person has been asked at least once in their life."

I also noticed that it switches from first person to second person to third person. I would stray from this style. When I write, I can find it difficult to stay in one perspective; however, I think it has better flow this way. Try doing it all in third person:

"It is an age old question that every person has been asked at least once in their life. Sarcastically, curiously, subtly, the question has been asked. And it is just as likely that when one is asked this question, they listened more than anyone thought. Perhaps they laughed. Perhaps they ignored the person who asked. Or perhaps they ignored the text, staring at them on paper or on a computer screen."
...
"Just as likely, one doesn’t truly mean it. To be accepted in society, a person cannot be childish. But everyone is."

Just my two cents. I'm not an english major or anything but these are some tips that I have gotten from an English teacher I know. My wife!

I did enjoy reading it, though!

There's something in this room that makes you can't speak well.
MIDN90
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Posted: 27th Aug 2009 22:18
Quote: "I did enjoyed reading it, though!"


zeroSlave
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Posted: 27th Aug 2009 22:39


Oops...

There's something in this room that makes you can't speak well.
lazerus
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Posted: 27th Aug 2009 22:52
I enjoyed reading it, it was very persuasive in subtle ways.

Linking it with hope was a sure fire way to pursade and aurgabley the linch pin for this. To give up on hope is to lose all faith, not just the religious faith, ALL faith. To do that is to give in and our species dosnt like to roll over that often.

We belive in more extordinary things so why not?

Is it that hard to believe in a soul?

To approach from a scientific view we are neurones firing electrical impulses on a minute scale. These tiny charges dictate how we act how we live how we exist, That in itself is magic, am I right?

Yes, I do believe in Darwin’s theory of evolution.

My thought train anyway.

"Good never just happens, fate feels pity and grants a calm before the storm...
"
http://lazerus-reborn.deviantart.com/
Darth Kiwi
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Posted: 28th Aug 2009 01:09
An interesting idea.

Quote: "But for some of us, arguably all of us, the smallest grain of hope remains."

Well, I *do* believe in magic - or, rather, that there are things in the world which are "magical" (as in, "wonderful"). I live in a house where I can get light and hot water whenever I like, and I can talk to anyone on the face of the globe using a magic typing-screen thing. I mean, centuries ago that would have been considered pretty magic: it's only the familiarity of it which has dulled the sheen.

Secretary of Unknowable Knowledge for the Rock/Dink administration '08
Libervurto
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Posted: 28th Aug 2009 01:55
Do you believe in magic?
Would be a great line to start a story on.
Now i think of it is that how peter pan starts?

I don't believe in magic, i didn't think anyone did. You can't get something from nothing.
I amazed by the complexity and beauty of the world; the shape of a leaf, a billowing cloud, a crack in a window - coding makes you more aware of these things and respectful of the world we try to emulate.
I'm even starting to think trash on the street is beautiful just because it makes it more unique.

Anyway I think magic is just a word for the unexplained, as we get older we say we don't believe in magic because we think we know everything...

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Insert Name Here
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Posted: 28th Aug 2009 02:00
Hmmm...

I've always considered that saying 'no, I don't believe in magic' and thus renouncing my childhood has been a good thing - a way to get away from the foolish, easily entranced kid I was.

I don't think of magic as a 'grain of hope'. To me, it's like a get out clause for the unhappy - a way of saying 'but I can solve my problems with magic.'

Uncle Sam
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Posted: 28th Aug 2009 03:10 Edited at: 28th Aug 2009 09:20
Not bad. For many people though, like me, this is kind of irrelevant. I don't believe in magic, I believe in supernatural power. For me there's no question that magic does not exist, because what magic basically means is when something extraordinary happens, sort of all by itself. This doesn't make any sense. Supernatural power is performed by Someone with power over, say, the laws of physics...and I believe that to be God. I don't think you could call acts of God magic, because I don't think that's what magic means. Magic is usually thought of as something that's just there, that anyone can access if they learn how (e.g., the Force ).

Btw, no intention to force people to believe what I believe.

Libervurto
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Posted: 28th Aug 2009 03:17
@Uncle Sam
Isn't "the force" a supernatural power?
Let's not bring up god, it will only lead to a lock

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Freddy 007
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Posted: 28th Aug 2009 03:20 Edited at: 28th Aug 2009 03:21
Interesting thoughts, Irojo. Although I don't like it when you assume the reader has the same view as you, for example:

Quote: "Inside of us all, is a firm desire to let such a question rest. It is not a comfortable question to answer. There is no good answer. Everybody wants to believe in magic."


I do not find the question uncomfortable, and I dont want to believe in magic. And you shouldn't assume that I do

There are a few other minor "mistakes" or faults, but all in all I think it was OK. Your few words contain quite a lot of meaning, and that is a trait I like in a writer

"If making games is a hobby for you then it's not about the tools you use to make the game, but the games you produce with the tools you have." - Jeku
Irojo
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Posted: 28th Aug 2009 06:46 Edited at: 28th Aug 2009 06:51
I really appreciate the feedback guys.

I haven't gotten the chance to respond yet, but now I can .

I'm unbelievably busy, so I tried to edit it up, but didn't fix much.

Some excellent points, I want to generalize, but obviously, that is incorrect. I'll keep that in mind in the future.

To clear it up, I think a few people missed one of the underlying points. I'm not neccesarily discussing magic in the typical definition. It's rather discussing the place that some of us like to escape to.

@CoughMist
Thanks for your editing tips. I have a horrid tendency to hop around in persons (1st, 2nd, 3rd). And I think I may be addicted to commas.

Thank you guys from refraining from religious talk, etc.

@Freddy 007
And, irrelevant to the topic, I speak Danish! I've lived/visited there for about 3 months, so I'm quite familiar with Denmark. I got to be there when they burned the witch, and other fun events. I also manage to gain massive amounts of weight there.
--
Again, cheers guys, It's really brilliant to get other's honest input.

-Irojo

EDIT:

I killed a good many of my commas, and tried to standardize the person, as well as make sure it does not assume everyone agrees with the topic discussed. These were meant to be improvements, let me know if they aren't.


Time is money. I just ripped you off.
Jeku
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Posted: 28th Aug 2009 06:55 Edited at: 28th Aug 2009 06:56
Regarding:

Quote: "Let's not bring up god, it will only lead to a lock"


and

Quote: "Yes, I do believe in Darwin’s theory of evolution. "


You can state your beliefs on here, go ahead. Just don't go debating which religion is best or why you think evolution happened or didn't. Thanks.


Senior Web Developer - Nokia
Uncle Sam
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Posted: 28th Aug 2009 09:22 Edited at: 28th Aug 2009 09:26
Quote: "Isn't "the force" a supernatural power?"


Dunno for sure. I couldn't say because it's from a movie and they can make it whatever they want.....I mean come on, the force isn't even real guys.......I think.....

*force-pushes brother into wall*

Freddy 007
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Posted: 28th Aug 2009 14:42
Quote: "And, irrelevant to the topic, I speak Danish! I've lived/visited there for about 3 months, so I'm quite familiar with Denmark. I got to be there when they burned the witch, and other fun events. I also manage to gain massive amounts of weight there. "


Not a real witch I hope

"Sankt Hans' aften" is a very atmospheric ceremony, but in a good way(even though you're burning a few witches). Also good to hear you like the food here, that's a very valid reason to want to move to our glorious nation of pastry making

"If making games is a hobby for you then it's not about the tools you use to make the game, but the games you produce with the tools you have." - Jeku
zeroSlave
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Posted: 28th Aug 2009 17:31
Quote: "Isn't "the force" a supernatural power?"


I think it was until they decided to explain it with science. Midichlorians?!?!

There's something in this room that makes you can't speak well.
Irojo
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Posted: 29th Aug 2009 04:52
Quote: "our glorious nation of pastry making"

Oh my god, Napoleon hats.


Time is money. I just ripped you off.
Libervurto
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Posted: 29th Aug 2009 06:07
Quote: "Dunno for sure. I couldn't say because it's from a movie and they can make it whatever they want.....I mean come on, the force isn't even real guys.......I think....."

get him jeku!

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