No worries, I appreciate the advertisement too. But, the adverb exercise can be interesting to do - you just have to find other ways of wording phrases like, "he ran quickly", "he ran with haste"; "he said angrily", "he said in an angry tone". I find it's more or less an exercise of trying to word things differently, which can be handy, particularly when something doesn't sound right or there's a case of repetition.
Current feedback - I haven't got time to do a great deal (namely, because it's the evening for me):
So, I'll take the first couple of paragraphs to scrutinise and offer general feedback with it.
I've gone into my usual detail (well, partially), but I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're looking for. I know sometimes detail can be frightening to people I critique and I know that at times people read into it that, "because he's says a lot, that it's crap", but it isn't, I've pointed out positives, so it can't be.
And of course, remember, a lot of it is taken from my perspective, it doesn't mean it's right and actually, I enjoy it when people challenge my points with a fair argument, sometimes I play devil's advocate for that exact reason.
Quote: "Asara sat restlessly upon her burnished throne, she could hear the messenger coming down the hallway to deliver the news of her campaign into the Ultwere. His hesitant footsteps relaying the message in advance, the news was not going to be to her liking. As the shabby man walked into the throne room, enervated by the distance of his journey, Asara reached for the blade that rest upon the throne's arm. The messenger moved forward cautiously, took a knee at the base of the dais, and bowed his head."
On starting a piece: action can be a good place to start and going straight into is at times good. She's sat on her throne awaiting her messenger, so you're going straight into it. I think it's a good way to start, after all, for a reader, there needs to be a hook from the word 'go' - otherwise they might not read very far.
The first thing that stands out to me is the issue of showing vs telling. And it's one of those things that can make a writer cry, because both are good and both are bad, it's getting the balance and that isn't necessarily as simple as 50/50. If you don't know what I'm referring to: showing is where the writer basically 'shows' what's happening in the story. And telling is when the writer 'tells'. Crap definition, I know, but consider the difference - if I sad, "BigAdd banned Seppuku angrily", I'd only be telling you, showing you, would go through the process and may even describe 'how' BigAdd's anger manifests, after-all, anger manifests in many ways. So, maybe, "BigAdd's finger re-read Seppuku's statement over and over, each time his brow becoming more creased as he bites his upper lip, "the insensitive git!" he thought, his cursor hovering over the word ban. He decided to click it." That's a long description I suppose.
I find the advantages and disadvantages are as follows:
Telling:
Advantage -> You've got room for the reader's imagination to fill the gaps, you can leave things to their decision if you wish. It's more succinct and is good for pacing it up a bit.
Disadvantage -> There isn't much imagery when you tell and well, at times, it might be better for the reader to see what's going on to interpret things rather than to be explicitly told. They can see if somebody is angry - it can that emotional tone with it and telling isn't always capable of it.
Showing:
Advantage -> You can give the reader a much more vivid picture of what's happening in their head and it can be more inclusive of their senses and can therefore appeal more to their emotional connection and even connections with characters, for example, they may display a certain body language the reader is capable of judging them by.
Disadvantage -> It can be long paced, and if overused it can be confusing, unclear or just takes too long to do anything to which a Monty Python crowd screams, "get on with it". And well, something succinct can really deliver a point quite strongly. For microfiction, showing is very difficult, micro-fiction I've written has relied solely on the reader filling the gaps. Employing the same strategy in longer pieces can useful in places. Showing, wouldn't be able to deliver there.
Dialogue can actually be a decent bridge I think. Action can sometimes be driven by dialogue and elicit an image in a reader's head pretty quickly, so, something like, "Oi, Lazerus, fetch me a cup of tea," is all that's needed - you don't even need to write afterward, 'Lazerus walked into the kitchen and popped the kettle on and waited for it to boil', unless of course, it's key to the narrative that it appears.
You can even combine showing and telling in the same phrase.
That's quite a long commentary on the issue and I haven't even addressed your writing here.
At least these are views of showing vs telling.
Just taking extracts from yours:
His hesitant footsteps relaying the message in advance, the news was not going to be to her liking.
'His hesitant footsteps' is telling.
'the news was not going to be to her liking' is also telling.
For the news, well, we might be able to see that his hesitant nature means that he isn't going to deliver good news and that she isn't going to take it well. We'll know for sure when the news is actually delivered.
For the footsteps - you might be able to just go through how he approaches her.
Maybe:
"Hesitant, he took each step slowly, avoiding any eye contact with her. His hand shook slightly as stared at Asara's blade, it shone along the sharp edge. He could see her fingers grasp around its handle and he gulped." (It's longer, you might rephrase it a different way, maybe shorter, maybe longer, I added more detail, because to me, it slowed the movement and to me, that helps with the 'hesitation'.)
Quote: ""And what news of glorious victory do you bring me," Asara asked sarcastically.
"I. I fear," the man said stumbling to get the words out, "I fear the army was routed, a total loss.""
You've got the stutter in the text and that is showing, though maybe an ellipsis is better than a period/full-stop. So, "I...I fear," Then you have the repetition, "I fear the army", which is also a stutter, so that's good. Maybe, just abbreviate to 'he stumbled,' just to build the pace up - as stuttering can be pacey. After all, he wants it over quick, hence he doesn't say much.
Quote: "Asara stood, blade in hand, and casually walked down the steps from her throne to the man. "A total loss." she said in a soft whimsical tone. She slowly brought the knife up twisting it and touching the sharp point to her finger as she descended closer. "What of my generals?""
I think a bit more showing is needed, phrases like, "soft whimsical tone" and "casually walked". But I like how you keep bringing up the sword, I imagine the messenger's mind would be focused on it too, so you're waiting for something to happen, you're just not sure if it will (like the messenger).
And now for general points:
I didn't get a sense of environment - I'm not sure what kind of palace this is, and as it's a piece of fantasy, there's all sorts of kinds of palaces it could be set in. So maybe a little scene setting - that doesn't necessarily mean a paragraph on the room, because the image can sometimes be stronger and the flow not interrupted if you work it in as things are moving - so you notice more and more details as you go through. So, is the messenger walking along a red velvet carpet atop a marble floor? Or is he stumbling through the snow of an ice palace? Are the doors he enters through big and wooden? So would they creak? Or are they made of gold? Are they so big the guards have to open it for you, either by force or some mechanism? Is she surround by courtiers, or is the room empty?
What I've read is interesting and I do want to see where you're going with it and of course, it's definitely worth to keep writing, you may have had trouble getting of the ground, but I hope your blog provides the right amount of motivation. But I'm sure, once you get into your story, it'll become your little baby and you'll become attached to it and therefore keep writing.
I think that's it for now. I hope it's helpful.
Just one final thing.
If you want, I could recommend your story for our next Workshop Wednesday for whoever is covering it? (It might actually be me)
