Benjamin, I recommend you read Ulysses by James Joyce, it sounds right up your creek.
It does hurt your head sometimes seeing grammatical errors, but they're so easy to mistake, naturally I'd expect a document to not contain any and if there are grammatical errors then there needs to be a purpose, but mistakes are common, especially when typing on an internet forum, so as long as it's readable I don't care, given I make several typos and accidentally misplace a comma or an apostrophe or even write the entirely wrong word altogether because it sounds similar to what was in my head (I hate it when I do that), so I'd be a hippogriff, I my hypocrite.
Sea, theyre eye doe it al tha thyme.
But anyway, enough of the talk of grammar, I think the point has been made.
Note: I'm having a flick through now - I'll edit with a response.
[edit]
Le Response:
I can see the influences in there and I think you're starting to build up an atmosphere - what I find interesting is that it's a seemingly large hotel, yet we've only been introduced to these two characters creating this feeling of isolation, a good element to use for horror. I think pacing might be a little bit of an issue, I felt like I wanted more of a build up of this place, perhaps a longer conversation with Pearl, learn a little more about the area, if he reads the headline, headlines are designed to grab people's attention and draw them to read an article, even if part of it (articles usually open with a summary, so if he's going to read an article, maybe all the reader needs to know is the opening), but as he says, "is the killer still on the loose?" It already suggests he knows the story and might be less inclined to read it because in a way, he already has - perhaps he could just offer a couple of lines about the killer, "heard it was some nutjob butcher from Missouri, his wife threatened to leave him, so he took his meat cleaver and chopped her head clean off", my version might be rubbish, but you get the picture. If it's a local legend people will find ways to make the story more interesting and rumours will spread about how somebody deals with his victims - not too much detail is needed, it could spoil the surprise. Rumours can be misleading, so the killer doesn't have to do what the rumours say he does, even though in a lot of horror, they seem to.
Then we have the first bit of action, I think when it comes to horror, less is more, because it allows the reader to fill in the gaps with their imagination, if you give them enough to work with, then they will fill in the blanks. You're doing this, but I think this is where grammar might play to your advantage. Short sentences help pace. In a way the mind is breathing more quickly, full stops are like the breathing in and the next sentence is breathing out. "He turned. Quick. What was that? And before him was nothing but silence. A crack. Again, turned. Nothing was there." First 3 periods/full stops come quick, so the action is quick, then next sentence is longer and therefore slower to get to the end because the silence is almost like "phew, I don't see anything" a little relief from the tension. The longer it takes to describe something your pacing will slow down to, which is why I dislike people who say, "always show, never tell" because sometimes telling allows the reader to not only fill in gaps but it also can help the pace.
But showing has an advantage, it can build an image, draw atmosphere and bring a reader into a scene. What do I mean when I talk about showing and telling? I remember when I first came across the phrase I didn't understand what was meant.
"Jack was angry" -> telling
"Jack's face turned red as he bit tightly on his upper lip." -> showing
The reader will work out that Jack is angry because he is displaying the body language anger may provide.
Appealing to the senses can help with showing. Remember: sight, taste, sound, touch, smell. You can exploit them all. I at times even going into how an emotion might make you feel, instead of "he was nervous as he looked her in the eye", "he felt his stomach tingle, his hand stuttered slightly as his head slowly turn to her and he looked into her eye".
Another note would be repetition. It happens all the time and you can easily remove it when you read it back to yourself, it's simple because actions may repeat themselves and objects maybe interacted with on more than one occasion.
An example (I'll put repetition in bold)
"I turned to the stairwell and ran towards it, I tripped on the loose rug that covered the hallway, I climbed to my feet and started to run down the stairs and towards the
door, I placed my hands around the
door handle but to my horror the
door was locked."
It could be rephrased as:
"run down the stairs and towards the door, I place my hand around the handle but to my horror it was locked."
Also, he feels like he's being chased, so I think shorter sentences here would work. This is the kind of scene where I would break grammar rules (but of course, you'll use your own style) and remove any words and syllables that aren't necessary to deliver the same message, but faster.
Anyway. That's my honest feedback, sometimes I'm told I can give brutal feedback, so I hope I haven't done so. I enjoyed it as I was reading it, so I definitely think you can write and I hope my feedback and opinions are useful, but of course, it's your writing, so you don't have to agree with every point I make, in fact I love it when people do disagree, it shows they're thinking about it (unless the person is arrogant, but I see no signs of that here).
