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Geek Culture / Short Story I Wrote

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Fallout3fan
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Joined: 9th May 2009
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Posted: 15th Sep 2011 04:10 Edited at: 14th Feb 2018 22:23
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Jeku
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21
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Joined: 4th Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posted: 15th Sep 2011 07:19 Edited at: 15th Sep 2011 07:19
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I'm having a hard time with the grammar and punctuation in nearly every single sentence. Did you proofread this?

For example:
Quote: "Jessie could not be seen for his safe well being not as a one way chip implanted user."


I'm not sure how this sentence flows, or what it means at all. There are several ways to read it, where the comma could be placed in more than one location.


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bitJericho
22
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Joined: 9th Oct 2002
Location: United States
Posted: 15th Sep 2011 12:51
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Quote: "But being memorized of human nature of none users to the The Omega users is seen as destructive"


I stopped at that line. It's unreadable. Sorry.


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IanM
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22
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Joined: 11th Sep 2002
Location: In my moon base
Posted: 15th Sep 2011 15:37
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There also a problem with the multiple tenses that the story is written in.

Most of the story is written in present tense, but sometimes you switch to past tense, and sometimes these switches occur within a sentence. I advise you to pick one tense for your story telling, preferably past tense as it's the easiest to write and read. Of course, any speech that you need to include can be any tense that fits with how people speak.

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xplosys
19
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Joined: 5th Jan 2006
Playing: FPSC Multiplayer Games
Posted: 15th Sep 2011 15:47
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Quote: "It's unreadable. Sorry."


Sorry, I have to agree, it's painful to read. You may have an interesting story, but we'll never know until you work on your grammar.

Brian.

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Benjamin
22
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Joined: 24th Nov 2002
Location: France
Posted: 15th Sep 2011 15:51 Edited at: 15th Sep 2011 15:53
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I haven't read it since as others have said it's pretty hard to read, but I wanted to ask you why the last line is two sentences rolled into one:

"Feelings came back everything was now human."

Without proper punctuation it can be very hard (sometimes impossible) to know when one sentence ends and another begins, and this is a good example.



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RedneckRambo
18
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Joined: 19th Oct 2006
Location: Worst state in USA... California
Posted: 15th Sep 2011 22:04
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I tried to read it, but I couldn't get even a third of the way through. It just really needs some grammar corrections. It makes it simply too hard to understand what I'm reading.

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CoffeeGrunt
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Joined: 5th Oct 2007
Location: England
Posted: 15th Sep 2011 22:08
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I'm not exactly a stellar writer, but yeh, I got mired in the Illegible Marshes.

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