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Some quotes:

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

Why bother with subroutines when you can type fast?

Anyone even peripherally involved with computers agrees that object-oriented 
programming (OOP) is the wave of the future. Maybe one in 50 of them has 
actually tried to use OOP – which has a lot to do with its popularity.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.

Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers.

C++, where friends can access your privates.

Computers can never replace human stupidity.

Computers Unite! You have nothing to lose but your operators.

Eagleson's Law of Programming: Any code of your own that you haven't looked 
at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else.

Gilb's First Law of Unreliability: Computers are unreliable but humans are 
even more unreliable.

Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.

If God had intended man to have computers, he would have given him 16 fingers.

In computing, turning the obvious into the useful is a living definition of 
the word "frustration".

Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

The problem about all graphical programming languages is that when your 
project becomes complex, not only will you have spaghetti code, but it will 
actually look like spaghetti too.

There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and 
those who do not.

To err is human. To blame it on a computer is even more so.

We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.

Writing it is easy, understanding it is hard.

Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.

Your Zip file is open.

Much to the surprise of the builders of the first digital computers, programs 
written for them usually did not work.

bug, n: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The 
activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends when people 
get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the 
process of putting them in.

The most effective debugging tool is still careful thought, coupled with 
judiciously placed print statements.

Everyone knows that debugging is twice as hard as writing a program in the 
first place. So if you're as clever as you can be when you write it, how will 
you ever debug it?

A documented bug is not a bug; it is a feature.

Given enough eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

There's always one more bug.


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"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." 
[Rich Cook]

//------------------------------------------------------------------

*Knock, knock*
-Who's there?
*long pause*
-Java!

*Knock, knock*
-Who's there>
-C++!

*Knock, knock*
-Assembler!

//------------------------------------------------------------------

Writing 90% of code takes 90% of time.
The 10% that's left takes another 90% of time.

//------------------------------------------------------------------

Human has 90% of DNA exactly the same an an ape.
Looks like God likes Object Oriented Development as well...

//------------------------------------------------------------------

Why programmers often mistake Christmas for Halloween?
Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)

//------------------------------------------------------------------

//When I wrote this, only God and I understood what I was doing
//Now, God only knows

//------------------------------------------------------------------

// I am not sure if we need this, but too scared to delete.

//------------------------------------------------------------------

// 
// Dear maintainer:
// 
// Once you are done trying to 'optimize' this routine,
// and have realized what a terrible mistake that was,
// please increment the following counter as a warning
// to the next guy:
// 
// total_hours_wasted_here = 16
//

//------------------------------------------------------------------

// Magic. Do not touch.

//------------------------------------------------------------------

try { 
... 
} catch(Exception error) { 
showMessage("If you see this error, it means the programmers predicted this situation"); 
}

//------------------------------------------------------------------

A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. - Doug Linder

//------------------------------------------------------------------

<vind> Don't be so negative - you just have to change a bit.

//------------------------------------------------------------------

God may forgive you. The compiler won't.

//------------------------------------------------------------------

//This should work, should is the key word there.

//------------------------------------------------------------------

A computer scientist is someone who, when told to 'Go to Hell', sees the 'go to', rather than the destination, as harmful.

//------------------------------------------------------------------

Why java programmers wear glasses? Because they can't C#

//------------------------------------------------------------------

<!-- 
 - Unfortunately, Microsoft has added a clever new 
 - "feature" to Internet Explorer. If the text of 
 - an error's message is "too small", specifically 
 - less than 512 bytes, Internet Explorer returns 
 - its own error message. You can turn that off, 
 - but it's pretty tricky to find switch called 
 - "smart error messages". That means, of course, 
 - that short error messages are censored by default. 
 - IIS always returns error messages that are long 
 - enough to make Internet Explorer happy. The 
 - workaround is pretty simple: pad the error 
 - message with a big comment like this to push it 
 - over the five hundred and twelve bytes minimum. 
 - Of course, that's exactly what you're reading 
 - right now. 
 -->

//------------------------------------------------------------------

//Mr. Compiler, please do not read this.

//------------------------------------------------------------------

// I am not responsible of this code.
// They made me write it, against my will.

//------------------------------------------------------------------

// drunk, fix later

//------------------------------------------------------------------

After I've been coding too long, I start ending sentences in semicolons;

//------------------------------------------------------------------

//I am not sure why this works but it fixes the problem.

- Debugging is like drawing a fractal. You can never completely get rid of the bugs, only get to smaller ones...

- Code libraries have every feature you can think of except for the one you need.

- The bug is always in the last place you look...

- Not all programmers drink coffee. Some of them get their caffeine in a different form.

- If you're confident that a library is stable, you haven't looked at its code or its comments.

- Programming jokes are all the same, but only when compared by value rather than by reference.

abstract class Athlete 
{
   int experience;
   public int getExperience()
   {
      return experience;
   }
   
   public abstract String getActionName();
}

class Runner extends Athlete
{
   public String getActionName(){return "running";}
}
class Swimmer extends Athlete
{
   public String getActionName(){return "swimming";}
}


class programRunner
{
   public static void main(String[] argv)
   {
      Athlete a;
      for(int n=0;n<100;n++)
      {
         if(Math.random()<.5
            a=new Runner();
         else
            a=new Swimmer();
  
         System.out.println("The current athlete is "+a.getActionName());
      }
   }
}

How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.
How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they forgot to declare it first
How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?
1.00000000001
How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in their socket.
How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
False.

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ? inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

What is the difference between practice and theory?

Well, in theory, there is no difference.