This is heart felt apology to my American brothers. I turned on the TV this morning and saw something that made me sick to the stomach, ashamed and embarrassed to British. What could turn an otherwise normal Saturday morning into one of absolute horror? The Jeremy Kyle Show USA.
How this formula, which can only be described as the televisual epitome of slurry, managed to cross the pond and infiltrate your fine country, I have no idea. I want to assure you that Jeremy Kyle is despised by any semi-educated Brit, and his arrogant witlessness, and supreme sense of self importance is not representative of British people at all. We are truly and utterly ashamed that he could rise to any sort of fame and that shame has now quadrupled with him successfully making it over to you.
I can only assume there is a small hardcore of sadistic American TV producers, whose inability to separate quality from tripe is only equalled by their complete lack of morals and respect for their own people. It is unfathomable that people like this can rise to power in the television industry, and inflict such a diabolical reign upon those beneath them. This can only be explained by talk of inherent corruption within, or perhaps alien stooges who brainwash those in positions of power, who would otherwise see reason. They probably use special telepathic devices which have lots of LEDs on them and dials and stuff.
I would like to take this opportunity to say that, despite what you have been taught while growing up in your fine society, hurting people isn't always bad. There are exceptions, and Jeremy Kyle definitely falls into this category. However, if you can't bring yourself to pick up a weapon, or even raise your fist, please pick up a large broom and attempt to shew him towards the Atlantic ocean. From there he will have to swim home, and be assured us Brits will be waiting to catch him and imprison him in a large sound proof container. There he will have to live out the remainder of his days, unable to hear his own voice or look at his reflection in the mirror. For him, it will be sweet sweet agony, and a fate he thoroughly deserves.
So, in summary, I am sorry, and I'm sure all other British people are sorry. I hope you can forgive us. In the meantime, try not to watch TV. I wouldn't want you to accidentally tune into old JK and give yourself a hernia.
