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Geek Culture / Spoken Communication problems

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SpyDaniel
19
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Joined: 4th Feb 2006
Location: United Kingdom
Posted: 11th Feb 2013 20:53
I find it very difficult to keep a steady conversation going vocally. I will normally only say a few sentences, enough to get my point across. Then I know people who will blab for ages, describing every detail, in some cases in my opinion they are vastly over doing it.

The problem is, most people like to have someone else they can talk to who will talk back just as much as they do. This is not me, although I can easily type out pure junk without any problems at all.

I was wondering if anyone has any advice on improving communication skills? I might just be afraid of letting people know what I think :\
Libervurto
18
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Location: On Toast
Posted: 12th Feb 2013 03:41
There's nothing I loathe more than small talk, I like a good conversation but so much of what people say is just repeating the same stock phrases. It's damn irritating and pointless. Advice? Be enthusiastic, you might find conversations drop off because people think you're not interested. If you can keep the other person talking then it gives you more time to think of what you want to say.

I have to laugh that someone is asking for social advice from programmers.

^ That's what she said.
Kezzla
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Location: Where beer does flow and men chunder
Posted: 12th Feb 2013 04:41
I find it helps to just be honest about your predicament and social needs. I tend not to talk much in person. I would find that people wanted to talk to me a lot and were forever trying to extract... not so much information, but rather a satisfying period of social interaction.

I think this is the case with a majority of people, they just want to feel some kind of social connection and the information is irrelevant.

I always found that being a transfer of information kind of guy (Like you seem to be) my answers were explanatory yet unsatisfactory leading to social awkwardness.

I noticed a change in the air when I reached a point where I got sick of mindless babble and began questioning their motives.
"why does that even matter?"
"I see a re-occurring theme in you conversation, what is it about this that interests you?"

"I don't really care for great periods of conversation, it tires me. The issue on you mind is this, is this correct? no? what am I not grasping? OK, so It can be reduced to this condensed format? no? please explain." etc

The funny thing is that while you would expect people to be offended and think you are a dick for chopping the fat and being blunt with them. most people in my experience react well to it. They first react a little shocked and stop and actually think while looking a little insecure. at this point I reassure them that it is not a trick question and I am not trying to hurt them or shut them down, I am just changing the format of the conversation to one that pleases me in an attempt to prolong conversation.

At this point they generally realize that I am not malicious and make some attempt to satisfy my line of inquiry. This way, you can actively study their motives behind the need to relentlessly talk while at the same time giving them their needed social interaction. with the bonus of you not being mindlessly bored by the whole affair.

I find that when you strip away the expected social banter, after people get over their hesitation they are generally relieved to talk about real things and they find the experience rewarding and refreshing.(which sadly makes them want to talk to you more, and introduce their friends to you). either that or they decide you are a weirdo and wont come near you again and will warn their friends that you are a strange dork. win win.

You could almost call it the Seven of Nine approach.

Anyway, that's worked well for me in the past.
Trust the validity of your own point of view.

Good luck with it all.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
Zotoaster
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Location: Scotland
Posted: 12th Feb 2013 04:55
Small talk is boring. I can talk forever if it's an interesting subject, but other than that I'm useless too.

I believe it was Plato or Socrates or one of them who said "A fool speaks because he has to say something, a wise man speaks because he has something to say", or something along those lines.

"everyone forgets a semi-colon sometimes." - Phaelax
nonZero
13
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Location: Dark Empire HQ, Otherworld, Silent Hill
Posted: 12th Feb 2013 17:16
Hey, I hear you. I used to be hellishly shy and bad at talking but luckily only to strangers or people I didn't know very well so I always met people through people. But there's an art to talking up a storm and unfortunately it's something you just "understand" one day. I can't explain it. Some good points to consider:

1. Asking questions is always good as it gives you time to prep what you're gonna say next. Cliche but it works if not overused.

2. Have some instant-noodle things ready at hand to talk about. Go learn useless facts about some common things. This also bridge the gap.

3. Don't be scared of talking about yourself. Tell funny anecdotes or talk about things you've been through.

4. People you know in common. They make great topics.

5. Now forget everything I just said and be proud of who you are and to hell with the rest of the world... If that's what you want

Not much use but maybe you'll find a diamond amongst that pile of dirt I just heaped up.

"Quotes in signatures are just stupid, especially if you're quoting yourself" ~ me
Van B
Moderator
22
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Joined: 8th Oct 2002
Location: Sunnyvale
Posted: 12th Feb 2013 18:37
Maybe your doing it right already.
People talk too much, but usually it's best to just let them have their say, try and listen as much as you can, and don't ramble. Really don't see why you want to talk longer/more... environment dictates - the only advice I can give is if your trying to communicate more, spend time thinking about topics that might be worth bringing up - usually it's enough to just have one or two moderately interesting things to say. You don't even have to say very much, as you know, people remember who started and ended a conversation, the bits in the middle are usually not that important.

Anything more than smalltalk, well do like the human race and rely on alcohol .

I got a fever, and the only prescription, is more memes.
SpyDaniel
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Location: United Kingdom
Posted: 12th Feb 2013 22:26
Thanks for all your input, some of it made me laugh (in a good way!).

I am perfectly fine with saying very little, but getting what I mean out. The problem I think I have, is that women want you to talk back just as much as they talk to you. This makes me uncomfortable, because I can't talk for hours like they could.

Then I think, am I just really boring, do I really have nothing to actually talk about? Or is it the subjects I like, I think others would find boring, or I myself feel I might be embarrassed? so I keep them shut away?

I also think that dyslexia might have a role in my vocal ability.
Phaelax
DBPro Master
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Location: Metropia
Posted: 12th Feb 2013 22:45 Edited at: 12th Feb 2013 22:47
Quote: "he problem I think I have, is that women want you to talk back just as much as they talk to you."

Ohhhh, your first post didn't mention it was about talking to women. Just accept the fact you'll never, nor want to, talk as much as a woman.

Quote: "hen I think, am I just really boring, do I really have nothing to actually talk about?"

Not to be mean, but it could be. But the subject matter you may be the reason you don't talk much. Hard to go on and on about a subject you don't care about. If talking to my nerdy friends we can go on for hours about random technology junk, with each topic leading into another.

If in the middle of a conversation you are reminded of something else or think of something related, bring it up. It diversifies the conversation, keeps the topic new and more interesting. Just don't go overboard and switch topics mid-sentence like some girls I know.

Quote: "I also think that dyslexia might have a role in my vocal ability."

Quite possible. What makes sense to you might be unclear to others by the way you word it. I don't have dyslexia, but over my many years I've found that working at a help desk and writing tutorials on subjects for people that know less than I do (not to sound arrogant, but work a help desk and you'll understand) I've learned a better understanding of how to convey topics to others in a way they'll understand.

We don't all share the same interests nor process information the same way. If talking to a chick, find a mutual interest to discuss and go from there. If there is none, why are you talking to her anyway? (i know why, im just not going there!)

Quote: "You could almost call it the Seven of Nine approach."

lol, she's rather egotistical.

"You're not going crazy. You're going sane in a crazy world!" ~Tick
Kezzla
16
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Location: Where beer does flow and men chunder
Posted: 13th Feb 2013 04:32
Quote: "Quote: "You could almost call it the Seven of Nine approach."
lol, she's rather egotistical."


Maybe she is...
I never thought of her like that, rather as a self assured foreign entity making sense of a strange situation.

anyway, I guess my advice is moot now that we are talking about chicks. That sort of approach will get you friended, slapped or pepper sprayed.

I don't really have any advice to offer that isn't lame or cliche mum advice.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
Van B
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Location: Sunnyvale
Posted: 13th Feb 2013 16:34
You do know that women say about 3 times as much as men do? - scientifically proven!

The study even said that women can't relax properly if they haven't talked enough, that's why they get on the phone and talk gibberish to their friends at night .

Don't even try to compare a mans communication skills with a womans, it's a waste of time. The only way to even keep up, is to be a good listener who doesn't really listen. From my experience, women who like to talk a lot tend to prefer talking to listening, they aren't looking for a conversation, they're looking for someone to rant at .

If your looking for a relationship, well consider that you might be over-thinking things. If there's a connection, then there will be a connection through conversation. If there's a connection, conversation just happens, your brain just goes into lounge-lizard mode. I tend to be polite and friendly in social situations, but then the first sign of a green light, and I turn into Lord Flashheart.

I guess I'm saying - if your struggling to think of something to talk about, maybe it's not a good match, it's not gonna be an enjoyable night based on small talk. There has to be more than that - every couple wants a cool story to tell about how they met - get creative!.

I got a fever, and the only prescription, is more memes.
Libervurto
18
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Location: On Toast
Posted: 13th Feb 2013 19:14
Oh if it's a girl then you just say "Hey baby, let's ditch this joint!" then rev up your motorcycle and ride off into the sunset to this:


^ That's what she said.
Phaelax
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Location: Metropia
Posted: 13th Feb 2013 19:21
I'm gonna plug in my guitar now and play along!

"You're all wrong. You're all idiots." ~Fluffy Rabbit
nonZero
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Joined: 10th Jul 2011
Location: Dark Empire HQ, Otherworld, Silent Hill
Posted: 13th Feb 2013 19:55
Quote: "If you're havin' girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a *****[girl] ain't one"


Sorry, but now this thread is now BEGGING for it

Seriously, as Van B said, it's a bad match if you've nothing to talk about. If you genuinely have common interests and just suck at getting the ball rolling, just bring up a piece of fiction or two.
In all my social interactions before I moved under a rock, I've found that media is one of the most commonly talked about things and both men and women love to reminisce about a good movie/book/series/etc they read/watched. It's a good starting point because you usually end up side-racking to all kinds of interesting other things.
I ended up getting to know the girl who'd later become my high-school ex because we both watched Charmed (TV show long ago. My tastes have matured since then). We never would have even got to know one another if we hadn't started speaking about that lame-ass show. I don't recall even how we started or which one of us said it first (This is going back over about twelve years) but no other boys watched it in my class and few other girls so it was a big thing for us. We went from those awkward moments of obligatory smalltalk while waiting for the bell to ring in the mornings to spending every lunch-break together and eventually developing feelings for one another.
She was a real geek too and we both liked anime and video games. It was her who introduced me to FF7 and many other awesome things. If it hadn't been for her, I would've missed out on so much. All that from a conversation about a really lame-ass TV series.

Dunno if it'll work for you but that's just an experience of mine.

"Quotes in signatures are just stupid, especially if you're quoting yourself" ~ me
Phaelax
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Posted: 13th Feb 2013 22:27
http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-ways-to-start-talking-to-women.html

"You're all wrong. You're all idiots." ~Fluffy Rabbit
Neuro Fuzzy
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Posted: 13th Feb 2013 22:58
The talk about small talk reminds me of this:
"We're not talking we're just practicing our small-talk"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asZC68cwIYc

bitJericho
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