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It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Special Agent Brasky, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly stunned, Special Agent Brasky punched a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a tragically predictable turn of events, he realized that his beloved Nuke trigger was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, Agent Jenkins. Special Agent Brasky had known Agent Jenkins for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Agent Jenkins was unique. She was easygoing though sometimes a little... clueless. Special Agent Brasky called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Agent Jenkins picked up to a very calm Special Agent Brasky. Agent Jenkins calmly assured him that most venomous koalas yawn before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually indiscriminately cringe *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Special Agent Brasky. Why was Agent Jenkins trying to distract Special Agent Brasky? Because she had snuck out from Special Agent Brasky's with the Nuke trigger only eight days prior. It was a striking little Nuke trigger... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Special Agent Brasky got back to the subject at hand: his Nuke trigger. Agent Jenkins shuddered. Relunctantly, Agent Jenkins invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Nuke trigger. Special Agent Brasky grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Agent Jenkins realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Nuke trigger and she had to do it skillfully. She figured that if Special Agent Brasky took the tricked out go kart, she had take at least seven minutes before Special Agent Brasky would get there. But if he took the moped? Then Agent Jenkins would be excessively screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Agent Jenkins was interrupted by seven pestering rats that were lured by her Nuke trigger. Agent Jenkins panicked; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling displeased, she aimlessly reached for her dull pencil and fearlessly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the moped rolling up. It was Special Agent Brasky.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Special Agent Brasky was out of the moped and went sassily jaunting toward Agent Jenkins's front door. Meanwhile inside, Agent Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Nuke trigger into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind her time machine. Agent Jenkins was angered but at least the Nuke trigger was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Agent Jenkins sassily purred. With a deft push, Special Agent Brasky opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid noble genius in a gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Agent Jenkins assured him. Special Agent Brasky took a seat uncomfortably close to where Agent Jenkins had hidden the Nuke trigger. Agent Jenkins sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Special Agent Brasky was distracted. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Agent Jenkins noticed a abrasive look on Special Agent Brasky's face. Special Agent Brasky slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Agent Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in her ear when Special Agent Brasky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Nuke trigger right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Special Agent Brasky's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Special Agent Brasky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Agent Jenkins could react, Special Agent Brasky fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Nuke trigger was plainly in view.
Special Agent Brasky stared at Agent Jenkins for what what must've been nine hours. A few unfulfilled decades later, Agent Jenkins groped explosively in Special Agent Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Special Agent Brasky grabbed the Nuke trigger and bolted for the door. It was locked. Agent Jenkins let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Special Agent Brasky,' she rebuked. Agent Jenkins always had been a little pestering, so Special Agent Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Agent Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at her or something. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he gripped his Nuke trigger tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Agent Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Special Agent Brasky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Special Agent Brasky. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Agent Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Special Agent Brasky was gone.
Just yonder, Special Agent Brasky was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Agent Jenkins's place. Special Agent Brasky had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral rats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Nuke trigger. One by one they latched on to Special Agent Brasky. Already weakened from his injury, Special Agent Brasky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of rats running off with his Nuke trigger.
About eleven hours later, Special Agent Brasky awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and Special Agent Brasky did not know where he was. Deep in the broad secret vineyard, Special Agent Brasky was abnormally lost. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he remembered that his Nuke trigger was taken by the rats. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a huge rat emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha rat. Special Agent Brasky opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the rat sunk its teeth into Special Agent Brasky's kidney. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Special Agent Brasky's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than six miles away, Agent Jenkins was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Nuke trigger. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a calculated thrust, she buried it deeply into her shin. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Special Agent Brasky... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the Nuke trigger that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant rats, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
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