I am setting up my crystals and lighting my special incense, banging my Himalayan drum and... and... dammit, I cant get my legs in the lotus position, so accuracy is not guaranteed, however...
1: John Farnam will go on tour.
2: At least one major newspaper will bite the dust.
3: The pope will cause public outrage at least twice.
4: John Edwards will lose a loved one and enter a deep depression over unresolved issues with that person.
5: Autotune will turn on its masters and their tortured screams will be musical and hilarious.
6: Cats will go on strike and refuse to do anything funny.
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.