Sorry, double post (Might not be when I've finished writing this
) Also, I forget to thank you for wishing me good luck with my novel, thanks - it's going slowly, I've actually only drafted chapter 1 and am about to do my 3rd draft of the prologue - but the slow pace is due to my exams, so when I am free, things will get done much quicker.
I'll do this paragraph by paragraph -> Hopefully anything I say will be even more useful to your redrafts than the previous ones -> again you just need to include what you agree with (If anything)
I'll leave the prologue now, any further redrafts - just return to any of the following or previous comments. Only other thing I'd suggest before going past chapter 2 is to work on some editorial writing - take a bit of work and put yourself in the editor's chair and see what you can do to improve your work - anything I give here I hope will be helpful with that.
Chapter 1
Quote: ""Your husband is dead. He was found mutliated in the deep jungle with his comrades, I am sorry Ms. Ratcheson. His assignment had required miminal resistance according to our intellegence but his squad had been ambushed and with little gear the men perished quickly. The only way we were able to identify the men's bodies were by their dog tags which had been left there purposley as though it were a boast from the enemy saying "look what we did. "" "
Immediate - right into the dialogue, hit's the audience with the fact the person's husband is dead, good, it's good for giving them some shock. When you're writing dialogue (Something I used to be terrible for) you'll need to make sure it's realistic - 'Your husband is dead' - is good, it shows the breaking of the news -> the rest however, I believe not to be realistic - the wife loves her husband - unless the man is really insensitive, she will have time to take that in and then perhaps herself ask how he died. Then avoid words like 'mutilated' - if someone was telling you someone died, you will not want any of the graphic details - generally when the news is being broken they're sympathetic and are careful with the words used - the wife will want to know that he died a man -just give the information of the events, but you're not describing the events to a police officer - patch up the details with nicer words - make it not seem so bad. Also you can describe what she is doing in the speech - when she asks about his death - she could have a mournful pause and perhaps look away and then reluctantly ask the question (Hesitation to ask - she might find it difficult to ask about her husband's death) then at the end she might react with her facial expressions or body language - play with those. -> As it is a moment of death - maybe the environment could reflect her emotions - rain is a cliche for a mournful moment - some writers like to play with light in the settings - Kazuo Ishiguro was very good with that in one of his novels - so you could use light to reflect mournfulness - I think this technique is called 'Pathetic Fallacy'. Just try to visualise yourself in that scene as the character - if you're able to, apply your own emotions - imagine yourself as a women who loves a man, the man goes off to fight - you're worried sick about him, dreading the worst and then you find out the worst has happened, how are you going to feel? Final note on this quotation is the punctuation (I've been obsessed with punctuation since reading 'Eats, Shoots and Leaves' lol
) The speaker quotes somebody in that speech - "look what we did. "" - you used 2 sets of quotations marks, as you probably can see that looks awkward - if you're quoting whilst in dialogue just use these ' ' - like so 'look what we did'. " - you may notice a second correct there, the full stop, think, you're ending the speech with that full stop and not the quotation, so it should be between the last two marks and not before. If unsure on any language - look it up, like rules etc. spell/grammar checking doesn't pick up every mistake -the internet is good source of that - if you have the time pick up books like 'Eats, Shoots and Leaves' by Lynne Truss, they're good for language, said book is entirely on punctuation and isn't a boring read - she's passionate about it.
So, next paragraph
.
Quote: "Ms. Ratcheson mmm, she would have to get used to the label of a lonely widow she thought to herself as she wept on the porch of her now empty home. The commanding officer came over to console her and put his arm around her. The sun hung high in the sky that day and sounds of pleasure and enjoyment echoed from the crashing waves of the ocean. "
This narrator has a somewhat spoken conventional style here - 'mmm' - is an interesting hesitation of the narrator and am asking myself the question 'does it work' and I'm sort of stuck answering it.
I've just finished reading 'Blood Canticle' today- and the narrator Lestat is very talkative to the audience - I'd say if you're going to use those conventions change the narrator to a character or someone who is literally telling the story to the audience (Meaning creating a relationship between the two- Lestat says: "This book's finished. You know it. I know it. After all, what more is there to say? So why am I still writing? Read on and find out." - this is good because he is literally talking to the audience and tells the story - although a fictional character - if you're going for the 'person telling a story' approach - give that person a character who talks to us - if not, then kill the 'mmm')
Perhaps more description on the environment here -> Have you watched the movie 'Resevior Dogs'? If you have, towards the end there's a discussion between two police guys about telling anecdotes when under cover - remind yourself of that moment and think of that scene but when writing about the outside of the house. When presented with a new environment the audience wants to know what it really looks like -they should know what a porch looks like, but what does her porch look like? What's she sitting on, what's that like, what's the weather like at this point, you did changed the weather, yes, but what was it like before - at the moment it looks like the man comforts her and there's an immediate change in the weather of her emotions - so if you're using the pathetic fallacy here, I think perhaps it should be consistent, so it's raining - it's raining in her heart, she is cold, shivering and wet, shivering because she is mourning and cold at the same time. The hug, the comfort warms her and the sun comes out to literally warm her. This constrast between depressed and comforted and cold to warm shouldn't be quick - let it progress - so what about the hug comforts her - does the officer say words that comfort her that brings light to this dark emotion? Pleasure and enjoyment are perhaps too strong emotions - especially in a short space of time - realistically in my mind, she would feel warm and her emotions will be calmed by the sounds of the oceans and the warming sun - as does the words of the officers and his comforting arm.
Last one for now - it seems I'd be repeating myself anyway:
Quote: ""Do you know if he felt any pain?" she asked with a tear soaked face. "Ms. Ratcheson, I must regret to inform you that from the autospy report, your husband was alive twelve hours after his inital capture and was put through the majority of that time span to an unholy torture."
Ms. Ratcheson began to sob uncontrollably and Henry Mcallister knew his obligation would be entering extra hours tonight but then here was the now widow of a dear friend that he must be strong for whilst battling his own grief. "
Mutilated -> She's knows he would have felt pain - although not the extent of the damage - as I've said to remove the harsh words - this questions still works. Here you've again used insensitive language - she doesn't want to know that her husband suffered terribly - avoid emotivisms like 'unholy' as well - just telling her that he was alive 12 hours after capture allows her mind to guess and fill in the details - if he's dead, chances are they're not very friendly guys that caught him - that is enough to connotate that he was tortured.
The last bit, I'll just rewrite - it's a long sentence with minimal punctuation - so hopefully by rewriting it, you can study what I've done and see what you can apply to wherever you find any long or 'awkward' sentences (And to replace with examples of some things I've already mentioned)
"Ms Ratcheson turned her head away, breaking any possible eye contact from Henry; she could not bear the pain knowing that her husband suffered an ordeal that no words speak justice for. The pain left her mourning in her arms - the streams of tear water flowing down her face turned into rivers; she was lost and was left with nothing else to do but to cry. Henry McAllister knew he was in for a long night comforting the widow of a fellow comrade; a dear friend - it was the least he could do for a man whom he loved and respected."
-That's a love between 2 friends just to note if someone like Benjamin reads this far and feels the need to use something against me.
These are some good ideas that you're gathering and of course good themes, and it's good that you're getting them down into prose and you can turn it into something great. There are bits that need more added, like descriptions, language and imagery and parts that need tidying up or expanding/elaborating on.
Also, I just scrolled up my page and noticed the character said:
Quote: ""Leave me alone!!!!""
There is an over use of exalcamation marks - one is enough - if you need to emphasise rage or her bellowing down the phone- describe that in the sentence that follows - when writing a story, standard English tends to be considered - '!!!!' is unecessary - the only punctuation mark you see repeated like that is the full stop (Though that is only 3 times) and that is for an ellipsis 'So...'
Final notes - if my brain doesn't think of anything else - I'd look at some stories and see what people do with them - language is important, where they use imagery and how much they use - what kind of descriptions do they use? What details do their narrators pay attention to? - I saw with your description of the sports car, you described what you would describe to a friend if you just bought it - or the sort of features you might read in the advert of a person selling the car - rather if I entered a car - I'd notice other details, - a smooth oak finish on the dashboard? A rank smell of sweat from a hot summers day? The leather (if it is leather) - is it nice and smooth? the chair how does it feel to sit on it? Does the leather stick to your skin because it's hot?
Anyway, I shall let you get on, it a good story so far, good plot and I hope my long posts help you with progressing your story and good luck with it.
If you're unsure - just take a one paragraph - rewrite it with any comments you like in mind and to see if you can perfect it - then you can do that with the next one, this is sort of like a practising exercise that'll improve and quicken as you go along. - Don't look at it as 'A big chapter- I've got to rewrte or edit all that' - but here's a nice simply paragraph, I've got to edit it and move on to the next one when I'm ready.
If you want me to comment on anything or want to ask anything, post here or on absolutewrite - I'll be keeping an eye on this thread.
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