This is all meant to be constructive, and it's just my personal opinion (it's mostly minor details now... your writing style is definitely improving), but here's my two cents anyway:
Quote: "it was not that warm"
This seems a little colloquial to me. It doesn't have the same air as the rest of the first line.
Quote: "Connor smiled, he was lying next to his friend, Emily"
That first comma doesn't seem quite right. A full stop would seem better. Although the sentence would be quite fragmented and short, a couple of short sentences is alright, it's only when the narrative is full of them that it disrupts flow. Another option would be a semicolon, although this would probably better with some further qualifier at the end of that sentence, showing the reason that her being their makes him smile.
Quote: "She had been his best girl-friend that Connor had ever had"
She had been
the best would fit slightly better.
Quote: "had ever had, she was nice to"
I would put a semicolon in instead here as well. I'm a bit of a fan of semi-colons though; I feel they add a slightly more eloquent nature to language merely by their presence. Also if you can find an alternative to the word nice, then I think it would improve it (personal opinion).
Quote: "They put there arms"
In this context, it should technically be their not there. There refers to a place, or is used in the context "there was/is/will be etc." However, their is the third person possesive pronoun, which is what you want here.
Quote: "she looked into his, as his face got closer to hers he started to smile even more."
The comma again seems slightly out of place. I would use another full stop, but add a little more description to elongate the sentences slightly. How did she look into his eyes? Possibly also describe their faces. Both of these would simply be a couple of words (the first part could simply be one adverb) but their inclusion could add depth to the writing, I feel.
Quote: "Connor woke up eyes tight shut and banged his head"
I would add commas in after up and shut, as these seperate the main text (Connor woke up and banged his head) from the descriptive clause (eyes tight shut).
Quote: "bed with Alex, “Oh (expletiv-Will be in actual book)” He Bellowed."
When someone starts speaking, you should generally include a full-stop before it (although there are a few exceptions). On the other hand, the "He" does not need a capital letter as it is not a seperate sentence, it is a continuation of the one starting with the direct speech. Neither do the words Bellowed, Bunk, Trousers or anything else which isn't a proper noun (a name). Also I know it won't be included, but just because I'm in a technical sort of a mood, expletive has an e on the end.
Quote: "Connors eyes which were slightly closed opened fast, he saw lots of"
"Connor's eyes" should be used here, as the "s" makes this a possesive noun. As with the earlier sentence, the addition of commas (here after eyes and closed) will assist the reader, as it seperates the main clause from the description. The "he saw lots of" phrase is the start of a new sentence, therefore it should be preceded by a full stop instead of that comma, and the H in "he" should be capitalised.
Quote: "wood on the floor from the wooden chairs"
Repetition of wood makes this seem a bit more simplistic than it could. Possibly replace one word with a synonym for wood/wooden, or alternatively replace wooden with a completely different adjective to give more detail on the chairs (the latter option is probably preferable, as the fact that wood is lying on the floor suggests that the chairs were wooden anyway).
Quote: "which looked like had blown from behind him"
You are missing a preposition after like. I would assume that you mean "it" as this would refer to the wood. However, should the chairs have been blowing along, you would use "they" instead (although this is somewhat unlikely).
Quote: "This was the worst ever he saw the theatre and even that had been in worse times."
Add some punctuation in here and slightly reword it; I am not quite sure of the exact meaning of this sentence
Quote: "Connor’s eyes scanned the rooms for signs of life, there was nothing that he could see from the view he had"
The comma should not be here, as the clauses are not linked enough. I would suggest inserting "but" after the comma, to keep the sentence length, but as before, replacing it with a full stop is also an option. Generally I would recommend conjunctions as opposed to many short, fragmented sentences, however make sure they are varied and that your sentences don't become
too long and convoluted.
Quote: "He started to walk around curiously his eyes scanned the room again but this time he noticed a gigantic hole"
Again the link between "..walk around" and "curiously his eyes..." is not quite right. You start the sentence in the imperfect tense (he
was walking) but end it in the perfect (his eyes
scanned). I would advise slightly rearranging the sentences and putting the second part in the imperfect tense as a descriptive clause; "He started to walk around, his eyes curiously scanning the room once again, but...". Again in this sentence, Projector Screen is unnecessarily capitalised.
Quote: "Rubble everywhere"
This does not fit with the sentence. Add more to it, or rearrange the sentence to make it a more integrated mention.
a) "The floor was covered with rubble. He ran behind..."
b) "He ran behind a tipped over dinner table, weaving his way accross the rubble-strewn floor, and scouted the hall again for..."
Also, "overturned" would be a better word to replace "tipped over" as it is more formal and less colloquial. "because he had a better view of everything" could be replaced by something along the lines of "as his new position afforded him greater visibility" or something of the sort.
Quote: "he saw General Lee unconscious and lay down by the hole in the wall"
As you have used the word "lay" it implies that as he catches sight of the General unconscious, our hero lies down. I assume you instead meant that the General was lying on the floor by the hole in the wall, in which case you would say "...unconscious, lying by..." instead of "...unconscious and lay..." Also I would omit the word down here, as "lie down" implies that you are doing something of your own free will to relax or recuperate, which I don't think is the mood you are trying to convey here (it's a subtle connotation, but an important one).
Quote: "ran over quickly"
OK this is entirely personal preference, but I prefer the sentence structure "ran quickly over." Also if you can find an appropriate alternative to the word quickly, then I feel it would add sophistication.
Quote: "General Lee had signs of life on him; he had a pulse and was breathing. But there"
"had signs of life on him" sounds clumsier than, for example, "displayed signs of life". However, this is very good use of a semi-colon (I may have mentioned previously how I find little in the world as satisfying as a good semi-colon). A little bugbear though; NEVER start a sentence with but (or at least not when it can be easily avoided, or in the context "But for a few grubby napkins, Wilfred was entirely without material posessions"). Instead, say "...breathing, but..."
Quote: "saw the vast landscape. It was a humongous wasteland with dips of trees here and there, what was once a vast landscape of gigantic trees and alive with vegetation was now a wasteland due to the Epic war 12 years ago."
Here you reuse vast landscape and wasteland; find alternative ways of saying one instance of each to introduce variety. Repetition, unless included as a deliberate narrative or dramatic effect, can impede flow and suggests that you have too limited a vocabulary, but it seems from your work so far that you can find an alternative. Try and avoid this pitfall as it can have an unusually pronounced impact on people's perception of your ability. Again, remove the capital from epic.
Quote: "But the unusual thing"
Read my earlier comment on the use of but, but it applies even more at the start of a new paragraph. Here, it could simply be omitted, with no drastic change of meaning or mood. The comma before "it spread" could be replaced with a full stop or our good old friend the semi-colon. After long, but before sand, the addition of a comma could also help with the rhythm of the narrative. Solid has an unnecessary capital, as does He (I'm going to stop mentioning these now as you should be able to remove them anyway)
Quote: "Thoughts aside his instinct told him not to go over there so he stayed back and shouted for a medic."
Good phrase, but could do with a comma before his, and another before so.
Quote: "Silence..."
This phrase works really well. It is fragmented in a deliberate way which contrasts with the longer sentences surrounding it, providing this one word with more impact and emphasis, yet even though the sentence only consists of one word, it is immediately apparent to the reader what you mean. I like it.
Quote: "been trained enough and worked enough to lift him but that was not the problem."
This sentence doesn't flow quite right, and is especially pronounced after the generally higher standard of writing in the previous few sentences. I would remove "worked enough" and the "but that was not the problem" part seems childish in comparison to the general standard of writing. However, the inclusion of a simple comma before the but adds to this, yet retaining the way you use the phrase "the problem" as a link between this and the next sentence.
As the next sentence is a direct continuation of the same idea, I do not feel that there should be a new paragraph, however like several of my other suggestions this is a personal opinion and should not be taken as a hard-and-fast rule.
Quote: "there was nothing around just wood and dirt, so he"
The rest of this sentence is well written, but the "nothing around just wood and dirt" section needs
a) added punctuation between around and just
or
b) (my preference) the replacement of just with "except" or a synonym thereof.
Quote: "turned him back facing up so the blood would not spill out"
This seems too simply written. I would advise complicating it by saying something along these lines: "turned him onto his back/front to reduce bloodloss" - the blood will still "spill out" his solution would be an attempt to lessen this. Also spill out sounds more like a vessel such as a jug than a person.
Quote: "It was getting worse, General Lee was losing lots of blood now, debris "
Again, I'm just going to be picky about punctuation. I would replace the first comma here with a semi-colon, and the second with a full stop.
Quote: "pouring out, and the general dropped to the floor out of Connors hands jerkily."
There's nothing wrong with this phrase, but it could be improved with some more dramatic vocabulary (e.g. gushing instead of pouring) and slight rearrangement (dropped jerkily to the floor, out of...)
Quote: "Connor snapped behind him and saw a dark figure right in the face."
I don't like this sentence at all. Sorry, but it just doesn't seem up to the standards of what is a generally good narrative. What do you mean by snapped? And right in the face is surely not the best way to express this. His face would be much better, although there are probably better alternatives, I just can't think of them
).
Quote: "centimetres but he had a balaclava over his face so he could not be identified but it was obvious he was with the rebels. "
I'd add commas before the first but and before so. "but it was..." repeats the word but and seems to stretch the sentence a little further than feels quite right. I would advise starting this as a new sentence, and with the word "Nevertheless." It's a good word, nevertheless, in moderation. However, extensive overuse is an ill fit for such a comparitively unused word. Also, following "the rebels" with "The rebel" seems too repetitive. Don't start a new sentence with a capital letter, instead remove the full stop from the end of the rebel's speech to improve flow.
Quote: "the general Lee"
I think someone else mentioned this, but either refer to him as General Lee (and you would use a capital for general here as it is a title, and therefore treated like a proper noun) or as "the general" (without the capital here... the English language is a peculiar thing)
Quote: "His time had run out."
This is a good dramatic ending to the prologue, and draws the reader into the book. I personally want to know how this prologue will relate to the rest of the book from the last couple of sentences; your phrasing and choice of words is very effective.
Overall though, your narrative style is already showing great progress. I'm impressed with how much you've improved already, and I hope you can keep up this story. I've been very pedantic here, with a lot of focus on minor grammatical errors, but it was all with entirely good intentions, and aimed to help you. I know there are a lot of comments, but many of them are similar, and I really do hope this helps you to continue writing. I look forward to seeing how you continue this story.
-Demonsbreath
http://jamesmason01.googlepages.com/index.htm
