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I recently spoke about going to University and asking which would be the best place to go to. I made my mind up and I am planning on going to Derby.

The thing is, I need to write a statement, which I have, but I need some advice etc.

This is what I have:

Ever since I can remember, I have been interested in games and how they work. From a very early age I started playing video games, my first system was the Amstrad. Through the years I have played most of the consoles and most of the game genres. I enjoy viewing the game art, textures, models, effects etc. Later on, around 1998 I and my brothers received a personal computer. I used this to find out how to make my own games. Doing so started my long term hobby of game creation, from toying with drag and drop engines to modelling characters and props.

Over the years I have studied in my own time, how to model for games and I have also done the basics of texturing. This started back in 2002 in an unrelated subject, a community site. The site allowed you to upload models so that other people could view them in 3D. My new hobby soon led me to college where I studied 3D Studio Max. But besides from Modelling, I have also done level design. I have used GTKRadiant to make maps for the free game “Enemy Territory” and I have also used the Hammer editor for Half Life 2.

I like to read fictional books in my spare time; my favourite author is J.R.R Tolkien. I also like to sketch ideas and characters, though I’m no artist, I still like to draw on occasions. Different cultures also interest me, such as Japan, because of their towns, lifestyles and landscapes.

My ambition after graduating is to work as a key member of a games development team. The positions I am most interested in are 3D artist and level designer, where all that I have learnt will need to be applied.

I have spoke with Professor Zhengxu Zhao over email and he had advised me to apply.

Layout:


I'd just need you to read it over and tell me if you think its any good, or if I need to improve on any thing?

its too wishy washy at the moment, instead of saying "Ever since I remember" go with "I have always..." and "models, effects, etc" - don't use etc, list them all.

And what about something like "My love of computer games as a hobby has lead me to develop an extensive skill set of related disciplines, including modelling, UI design, texturing and programming."

The 2 sentences at the end of the 2nd paragraph are a bit fragment-y. Try "As well as creating my characters and in game assets, I have taught myself how to use tools provided by publishers, such as Hammer editor and GTKRadiant.

It should read "I like to read fiction in my spare time...", the way you've written it suggests the books themselves are fictional. Leave out the fact that "you're no artist", play to your strengths... or lie.

Don't box yourself in with the positions you are interested in, that is at least 3 years away, you'll most likely have changed your mind in the mean time, just keep it at "Key Position" etc

The bit about talking to the prof is good, keep that.

Hope that helps

EDIT: Oh, and say something about how much you want to learn!

Thanks Manic, after dinner ill start to edit it and ill post the new version when its done.

New draft:

I have always been interested in games and the way they work. From a very early age I started playing video games, my first system was the Amstrad. Through the years I have played most of the consoles and most of the game genres. I enjoy viewing the game art, textures, models, effects, animation and level design. Later on, around 1998 I and my brothers received a personal computer. I used this to find out how to make my own games. My love of computer games as a hobby has lead me to develop an extensive skill set of related disciplines, including modelling, level design, texturing and animation.

Over the years I have studied in my own time, how to model for games and I have also done the basics of texturing. This started back in 2002 in an unrelated subject, a community site. The site allowed you to upload models so that other people could view them in 3D. My new hobby soon led me to college where I studied 3D Studio Max. As well as creating my characters and in game assets, I have taught myself how to use tools provided by publishers, such as Hammer editor and GTK Radiant.

I like to read fiction in my spare time; my favourite author is J.R.R Tolkien. I also like to sketch ideas and characters occasionally, as I find it helps my workflow when it comes to modelling or level design. Different cultures also interest me, such as Japan, because of their towns, lifestyles and landscapes.

My goal of going to university is to learn from people who have been in the industry so that I may improve my skills. My ambition after graduating is to work as a key member of a games development team, where all that I have learnt will need to be applied.

I have spoke with Professor Zhengxu Zhao over email and he had advised me to apply.


//

Does it read any better than before?

Ah, so you're going to Derby after all...well be sure to join a society there, Computing and Gaming society are using XNA to make a game, Baggers is currently a first year on the computer games programming course (which I'm kind of guessing is an area you're looking to apply for), so he might be one of years. Also, if you do come, I strongly suggest joining the Harpers society, me and two friends just founded it officially with the Student union this evening, so you know it's worth a good laugh.




Of course you need to get in first and before that, your application.

Remember take my criticisms as a pinch of salt, I've realised when I criticise a piece of writing I forget to say what's good about it and go straight in for the weaknesses.

Manic has done a good analysis of your work. I don't think the person on the other end will care about your life ambitions or what you've loved when growing up or anything too personal - rather, like it was stressed when I wrote mine, is to 'sell' yourself, not in the illegal way, but reveal your best skills in the best light and why you have chosen these guys. But because you don't need to be personal, doesn't mean you can't be passionate and from reading that, you clearly are.

Unfortunately I wrote my personal statement on our old 6th form computers, now that I'm at uni I can't access it, so I can't use it as an example (shame because I was proud of it, dare I boast, it got a compliment in the reply letter)


Your writing there is what my A Levels teachers called 'pal-y', rather than going in for a bit of writing, you've written as though you'd speak - not a problem, not everybody is a writer, you just need to make sure it look good...I'll write a paragraph opening as though I was writing a personal statement...lets say a magazine publisher. (because writing is my main passion)

(rough draft, normally I'd rework some 3/4 times for perfectionism)
Writing is the medium that I am most passionate about, because of this I have actively taken on creative ways to apply my skills as a writer. Initially I considered myself a prose and poetry writer, but through experimentation in other kinds of media has led me to expand my writing waveband - thus I wrote a few game and book reviews for an online publication and soon began writing a set of personal academic articles to be shared within the internet community. More recently, I have taken the mentality of a writer and applied it on a more vocal level with live radio broadcast and demonstrations of storytelling from a more traditional, oral point of view.


That would be my opening for something that relates to me - then I might move onto other things - I mean skills specific for the course/job are fine and dandy, but you need to offer more - such as communication skills, sociability...today I prepared a brief statement as to why I should be voted as secretary of the Harpers society which attempted to boast social skills, knowledge and interest as well as organization skills.

These all sound like self-indulgent boasts that we're all too English to express in normal day to day life (unless you're an arrogant twit, which must of us aren't), but really, selling yourself kind of has that effect (basically, you're telling them why you're more important than the other person they're considering to accept that has similar qualifications)



Could you expand a little? You made a point, explain it, otherwise these interests stand out on their own without any friends (and stick out like a sore thumb) - can you say anything useful about JRR Tolkein that's useful? Equally for drawing, you can't say much about drawing that's relevant (plus you made a negative point, you're selling yourself not presenting your weaknesses). And it might as well be said that 'colloquialisms' (slang, street talk or whatever you wanna call it) shouldn't appear in a formal piece of writing, even 'I'm no artist' is considered formal English.



Well anyways fellow, good luck with this and hope we've been of service to you, I might come back with a better analysis, when I feel less like a diseased zombie with a migrane.

I will see if I can find my Personal Statement...



Err.... huh?

Like I said:




My rough drafts are usually crap (with anything, they're usually there to gather ideas and structure the flow of ideas), I was hoping to write something for him that would be of some use or direction or improvement...if it's not, then it's not and perhaps when I'm a better state of mind I'll redraft for the guy.

Seppuku Arts, your rought draft is better than my whole statement

I don't know if you want to help me improve it? Or give me a layout on what to say etc?

if its a 3d modelling course you're going for, you might want to include the names of some 3d artists you like the work of, such as Ben Mathis (of poopinmymouth.com) check out the CGTalk forums to find some people's work you like.

The course I want to do is: http://www.derby.ac.uk/computer-modelling?csId=587016&eduCourseSearchText=

(3D Modelling and Animation)

Ben Mathis would be the only 3D artist I know of, besides some of the indie artists here on the forums.

I feel my statement is pretty crap and I want it to be good, so that I have a chance of being accepted. I am also waiting to here from my old tutor about a reference and statement from him.

Hwasup Song is another great 3D artist - certainly has given me a lot of inspiration (well with my last WIP) - perhaps you might feel inspired after looking at some of his pics (his wireframes are so anatomically accurate it's awesome) - most of his work is modelled by hand in Maya, instead of that ZBrush stuff, the guys knows his stuff when it comes to poly loops.

Though if I recall the 3D course at Derby is for games modelling, so it might be interesting to check out a few (again CGTalk as Manic has mentioned has a number of people, including a few 3D buddies I used to talk to regularly)

Also, Hwasup Song's portfolio can be found here:

http://damascus.com.ne.kr/




I've got to do some writing and I need to write my own personal statement for future reference (as I know longer have a copy of my original) - so if I get the time...but first things first, getting out of my duvet and into some trousers, yes I know it's 3pm put still.