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Geek Culture / The Storm

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Michael S
18
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Joined: 2nd Apr 2006
Location: Why do you ask?
Posted: 13th Jun 2008 08:05
A roaring sound is heard from above.
Like the sound a 100 planes blasting across the night sky.

Its dark for a moment, then suddenly a great crash is heard.
the sky lights up as if a bomb was dropped on the town below.

Following the blast is a calm drizzle.
As if the sky is crying in remorse for what it has done.


The sky exploded overhead as if there was a war withing the atmosphere.
Crashes, bangs and booms, could be heard for miles.

Each explosion turned the pitch black nite into day.
An awkward calm came followed by another loud burst with a shot of light as the

sky was cast back into the relm of the shadows.

Little pellets of ice came wizzing down as if bullets being shot from a machine

gun. It was as if War was afoot in the heavens.

Roaring, wizzing, crashing, splashing, banging booming, zipping and zooming.
All as the people lay in bed in awe.
Trying to sleep as the sky battles the sky.

As in war there is no true winner.
Everything in the path of the battle lay in ruin.

And after the bullets stop and the bombs are gone.
The sky parts, and the sun shines on a bright new day.



Please leave feedback.

flickenmaste
16
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Posted: 13th Jun 2008 08:16
cool...song, poem?

What you know wont hurt you- except me
google merxitygames so join our forums!
gearce
17
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Joined: 18th Dec 2006
Location: ex SCOTLAND, now MELBOURNE, Australia
Posted: 13th Jun 2008 08:36


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

Progress is like a wheelbarrow. If you don't keep pushing it, it stops
Sid Sinister
19
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Joined: 10th Jul 2005
Location:
Posted: 13th Jun 2008 08:39
I like how you used a lot of imagery, but it became confusing in spots because their was a lot to process. Try to make better use of a good combination of metaphores and simile's, and maybe even in spots just telling it like it is (rain drops, yada yada. You know, it's a storm after all!).

Also, be careful of what words you repeat. Repetition can help a poem if used right , but the use of "as if" doesn't fall into that 'good use' category .

To sum up, use something more creative than as if, or don't use it more than once, either one. And the imagery is the best and worst thing in the poem. Best, because of the mental image it gets, but worst, because I get lost in it sometimes.

Hope that's the sort of critique you wanted

"If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants" - Isaac Newton
-Computer Animation Major @Baker.edu-
Blobby 101
18
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Joined: 17th Jun 2006
Location: England, UK
Posted: 13th Jun 2008 08:42 Edited at: 13th Jun 2008 08:42
@gearce: what's the point in any poetry? if you don't have a useful comment, don't post.

I liked it, There was a lot happening later on, but it was good.

Your signature has been erased by a mod - 340 KB is a little big don't you think?
Zotoaster
19
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Joined: 20th Dec 2004
Location: Scotland
Posted: 13th Jun 2008 12:21
Quote: "An awkward calm came followed by another loud burst with a shot of light as the

sky was cast back into the relm of the shadows."


I love the phrasing in this bit. I like the poem as a whole too. The imagery is very nice, with a whole kinda epic battle in the sky kind of theme going.

Good work.

Don't you just hate that Zotoaster guy?
tha_rami
18
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Joined: 25th Mar 2006
Location: Netherlands
Posted: 13th Jun 2008 16:49
It reminds me of a quote: "In war, it's not about who's right, it's about who's left".


A mod has been erased by your signature because it was larger than 600x120
NeX the Fairly Fast Ferret
19
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Joined: 10th Apr 2005
Location: The Fifth Plane of Oblivion
Posted: 13th Jun 2008 20:14
Don't take offense; I've merely corrected some spelling and grammar errors. I think the poem is excellent.




I fail at life. No, really.
Michael S
18
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Joined: 2nd Apr 2006
Location: Why do you ask?
Posted: 13th Jun 2008 21:26
Hey gearce how about not being a troll? Could ya do that for me?
Thanks man

As for the rest of you. Thank you sooo much for the feedback. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and comment over it.

I look forward to reading more as it comes.

Thanks again.
Michael

gearce
17
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Joined: 18th Dec 2006
Location: ex SCOTLAND, now MELBOURNE, Australia
Posted: 14th Jun 2008 03:07
To Michael S

My sincere apologies

LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

Progress is like a wheelbarrow. If you don't keep pushing it, it stops

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