hehe my mum sent this to me so forgive me if you have already read this. its hell funny....
Subject: HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks
while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy
pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
jaws
open and push
pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for
a count
of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
cat. Get
spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden
ruler into
mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
pill from
foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully
sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth
and set to one
side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in
end of
drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans,
drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid
to spouse's
forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and
soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get
another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and
close door on to
neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with
dessertspoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
cupboard door back
on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour
shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records
for date of
last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to
cheek to
disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and
fetch new one
from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat
from
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
crashed into fence
while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil
wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear
paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
table, find
heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. **this
should have been in
step
one*** Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour 2
pints of
water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to
the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers
and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call
furniture
shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from
hell and
call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:-
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
