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Geek Culture / Funniest jokes

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Zotoaster
19
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Joined: 20th Dec 2004
Location: Scotland
Posted: 15th Mar 2006 22:27
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Mine would be so not funny that you simply laugh at it's stupidity:

'There are two sausages in a frying pan and one says to another "Whew, hot in here isn't it?" and the other says "AAAAH! A TALKING SAUSAGE!"'

Anything better, present it here..

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Megaton Cat
21
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Joined: 24th Aug 2003
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posted: 15th Mar 2006 22:44
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Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.


"Did she like it?"


"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

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Megaton Cat
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Location: Toronto, Canada
Posted: 15th Mar 2006 22:46
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One for the political folk: (Take mercy, mods )

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

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Robin
21
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Joined: 22nd Feb 2003
Location: United Kingdom
Posted: 15th Mar 2006 23:15
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One athlete starts a conversation with another at the olympics:
"Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German actually...but how did you know my name was Walter?"


Erm..yeah I suck at jokes...

HP H5550 PDA with fingerprint scanner for sale - need to sell - make me an offer!
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Saikoro
21
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Joined: 6th Oct 2003
Location: California
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 00:00
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New biological invention.
Emo Grass: Grass that will cut itself.

And the meek shall inherit the Earth...
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Megaton Cat
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Location: Toronto, Canada
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 00:00
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Owned.

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Manticore Night
21
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Joined: 23rd Oct 2003
Location: Ouinnipeg
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 00:19
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Quote: "The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!""
I seem to remember one that goes in a very similar manner accept it's about Mulroney.

[center]It's amazing how much TV has raised us. (Bart Simpson)

He's back! With 20% less intelligence!
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Fallout
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Joined: 1st Sep 2002
Location: Basingstoke, England
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 00:33
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This is really old, but if you can do a good accent, or at least picture one, it's a bloody classic:

The Man From Italy (/Malta, or whatever! Doesnt matter)

One day I go to England and stay in a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.

I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no understand, I wanna two piss ona my plate. She say you betta no piss ona plate, you sonna ma bitch! I don't even know lady, she calla me sonna ma bitch!

Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me bottle ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!

Later I got to eat soma lunch at bigga restaurant. The waitress she bringa me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on table. She say you betta no fock on table you sonna ma bitch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma bitch.

So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma bitch!

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say peace on you too!, you sonna ma bitch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!

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BearCDPOLD
21
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Joined: 16th Oct 2003
Location: AZ,USA
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 00:58
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So.

There's two muffins baking in an oven.

One turns to the other and says, "Hey, it's, uh, gettin' kinda hot in here."

The other immediately screams yelling, "Oh my god! It's a talking muffin!"


I'm going to eat you!
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Jeku
Moderator
21
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Joined: 4th Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 02:04
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What big, red and eats rocks?

A big red rock-eater!


Automaton Games website has been revamped! Check it out!
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ionstream
20
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Joined: 4th Jul 2004
Location: Overweb
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 02:29
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Two eggs are cooking on a frying pan. One egg says "I'm rather toasty." The second egg says "Oh Noes, a talking egg."

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Manticore Night
21
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Joined: 23rd Oct 2003
Location: Ouinnipeg
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 03:15
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Note: This one requires some small grasp of the french language.

So this guy walks into a grocery store. He notices that all the boxes are all truned to the french side. 3 minutes later the guy runs up to the register whith a can of grape juice and yells: "THERE ARE RAISANS IN THE GRAPE JUICE!"

[center]It's amazing how much TV has raised us. (Bart Simpson)

He's back! With 20% less intelligence!
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SirFire
19
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Joined: 4th Apr 2005
Location: North America
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 04:57
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Megaton Cat, Zotoaster, and Ionstream were all riding in a car when a horrible accident happened and they died. They all made it to heaven, and at the gate they were greeted by Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, "Ok, you guys all made it, here are your wings. This is heaven, and only pure thoughts are allowed here. If you think any sinful thoughts, your wings will fall off, do you understand?" Megaton Cat, Zotoaster, and Ionstream all said they understood.

Later on, the three friends were walking down a street in heaven, talking about how great it was to be angels. Just then, a tall blonde woman angel walks in front of them. Megaton Cat sees her and thinks lustful thoughts, and his wings fall off. Zotoaster and Ionstream laugh at this.

The three friends continued walking and a short redhead angel with big chongas walks by. Zotoaster sees her and says, "Man she's hot!". His wings fall off and Megaton Cat and Ionstream laugh at him.

Zotoaster says, "Oh very funny." Zotoaster bends over to pick up his wings, and Ionstream's wings fall off. Nobody laughs.

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Saikoro
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Joined: 6th Oct 2003
Location: California
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 05:04
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Pwned.

And the meek shall inherit the Earth...
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ionstream
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Location: Overweb
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 05:11
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Well, now I'm going to commit suicide .

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Oddmind
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Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 05:25 Edited at: 16th Mar 2006 05:26
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If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

formerly KrazyJimmy
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Chilled Programmer 420
18
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Location: NOT SAYING!, i dont wanna get kidnapped!
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 11:34
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a stoner walks into an electrical appliance stors and asks the sales assistant if he can buy the tv in the window, the sales assistant saya we dont sell to stoners, get lost!
3 days later the stoner comes back and says, i havent smoked for 3 days now, will you sell me that tv now? the sales assistant say no!, we dont sell to stoners, get out! a week later the stoner decides to give it one more try, he goes in and says i havent smoked now for 10 days, please sell me that tv, the sales assistant says your lying, i know your stoned, the stoner says how?, the assistant replys that is a microwave in the window.

----------------------------------

a stoner walks into a garage and asks the guy for a tenbag, the guy looks confussed and say this is a garage, we dont sell drugs.
the next day the stoner returns and says will you sell me a tenbag? the guys getting a bit annoyed now and shouts "look you stupid stoner, we dont sell drugs, if you come back again i will nail your face to the counter", the stoner leaves.
the next day the stoner comes back, and says "do you have any nails?"
the guy says no. the stoner smiles and says can i buy a tenbag?


sorry , i had to do stoner jokes!

[url=www.freewebs.com/tyhrfg][img]bruce.bmp[/img][/url]
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Saikoro
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Joined: 6th Oct 2003
Location: California
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 11:50
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I'm pretty sure (100%) that I have heard those about 10 years ago as blonde jokes...

And the meek shall inherit the Earth...
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Benjamin
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Location: France
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 13:03
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Quote: "
So this guy walks into a grocery store. He notices that all the boxes are all truned to the french side. 3 minutes later the guy runs up to the register whith a can of grape juice and yells: "THERE ARE RAISANS IN THE GRAPE JUICE!""

Lame.

@SirFire: lollol!&11 I laughed when I read that.

Tempest - P2P UDP Multiplayer Plugin - 70%
Download the free version
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greenlig
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Joined: 30th Aug 2003
Location: Melbourne
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 13:16
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Ive got one -

A Dysliexic walks into a bra...

Aust. Convention...get there!! http://forum.thegamecreators.com/?m=forum_view&t=38799&b=2&p=1
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Tinkergirl
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Location: United Kingdom
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 13:28
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Two elephants fall off a cliff.

Boom boom.
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John Y
Synergy Editor Developer
22
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Location: UK
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 13:40
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One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "What it means to be British?". Some of the email's are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?............. Suspicion of anything foreign

Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, i've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a racket."


Http://synergyide.thegamecreators.com
Http://omegabasic.thegamecreators.com
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Joe Cooning
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Location: United States
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 15:03
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Two guys walked into a bar...ouch

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1tg46
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Location: I dont know!
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 15:31 Edited at: 16th Mar 2006 21:50
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Joke #1:
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Wecome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all of your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of threeplaces in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and totured. He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option.""Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

Lucifer: That was Bill Gates? Why did you give him the best place of all?

Satan: That's what everyone thinks!

Lucifer: What about the PC?

Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 98! And it's missing three keys!

Lucifer: Which three?

Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!


Joke #2:
Two guys walk into a bar..........the third one ducks.

Regards,
1tg46

Reality is an illusion brought on by the absence of alcohol-do not take literally
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re faze
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Location: The shores of hell.
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 16:15 Edited at: 16th Mar 2006 16:19
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if under 13 perhaps shouldnt read these:







Dont code slowly be SWIFT about it!
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JoelJ
21
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Location: UTAH
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 17:11
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Bill Clinton goes to a school, and asks the kids if they know what a "Tragedy" is,

The first kid raises his hand and says, "If I were riding my bike and I got hit by a car, that would be a tragedy"

Bill said, "No, that would be an accident"

The second kid raises his hand and says, "If me and my family were in a car accident and we all died, that would be a tragedy"

Bill said, "No, that would be a great loss"

The third kid raises his hand and says, "If you and the first lady were in an airplain and the plain goes down and the pilot gets out with the only parachute, that would be a tragedy"

Bill said, "Yes! How did you know?"
the kid replied, "because it wouldn't be an accident or a great loss"


This just in: White lab coats cause cancer in mice. Details comming soon.
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Me!
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Posted: 16th Mar 2006 17:53
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ok, coming from me it has to be an anti Microsoft joke....

Bill Gates dies and finds himself stood before God. God said, "Well Bill, I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. on one hand, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home, yet you also created Windows among other indiscretions. I can`t decide so I'll let you decide where you want to go."

Bill looked up at God and replied, "Could you explain the difference between the two?", God said, " why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"

Bill said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

Bill looked around Hell. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. "great" thought Bill, now to see Heaven, when he got there Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

so he turned to god and asked to be sent to Hell

after a few thousand years God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

"So, how is everything going?" God asked.

Bill replied "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?"

"That was the demo," replied God.




from DIY garden furniture manual: Insert erection firmly into hole or collapse may injure and prevent joy
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Flashing Blade
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Posted: 16th Mar 2006 17:57
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What's brown & sticky?
A stick.


The word "Gullible" cannot be found in any English Dictionary.
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himynameisali
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Location: England, You...Rastards!
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 18:02
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Two blondes walk into a building, You would of thought one of them would of missed it!



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Ron Erickson
Moderator
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Posted: 16th Mar 2006 18:17
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Dirty alert:



EZrotate!
TextureMax!
EZactor!
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Luke B
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Location: Exeter, UK
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 18:23
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Here's one of my own:

What's white and sticky?
________________________

A Pritt Stick


And one I heard somewhere:

What goes in hard and comes out soft and sticky?
________________________________________________

Chewing gum

"Project Alpha" (See Biog)

PC: Sempron 2800, 512MB, 120GB, Radeon 9250, WinXP.
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Big Man
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Posted: 16th Mar 2006 19:28 Edited at: 16th Mar 2006 19:29
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Slightly dirty joke.



Joke 2

I rather unfortunate man was driving in his car when a lorry crahses into the back of him and his car blows up and he dies.

He arrives at the pearly gates and is greated by st peter who says "Welcome I hope the rest of eternity in heaven is pleasent"
The man smiles.

Peter continues "We have but one rule here in heaven"
"What is it" the man asked.
"You may have noticed the masses of ducks wadleing around here"
"Yes" replied the man.
"Dont step on them other wise you will spend the rest of enternity chained to your worst nightmare."
"Easy enough" said the man and walked in.

As he was wandering around he saw a man tied to a reliant robin.
"I used to collect flash sports cars" the man informed him. "But I stood on a duck and now im here".

The man continued walking around when he came to a woman tied to a tv which was playing constsant repeats of the tv series Cross roads
the woman said "I used to produce massive holywood hits but I stood on a duck and now im here"

the man, now quite worried continued on his journey. All of a sudden he slipped over and the next thing he new was he was tied to the most beautifull woman he had ever seen.

"What the hell did I do to deserve this" He asked.
The beautifull woman replied "I dont know but I stood on a duck and now im here".

Second joke wasnt told brilliantly bu you get the gist.

BM

Our aim is to keep the loo's clean, your aim can help.
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SirFire
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Posted: 16th Mar 2006 20:21
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Richard Davey died and went to heaven. When he got there, he was greeted by Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, "Welcome to heaven Rich, let me give you a tour." Saint Peter takes Rich into a incomprehensively large room, filled with billions and billions of clocks of all kinds. Rich asks, "What are all these clocks for?" Saint Peter says, "Everyone on earth has a clock to represent their sins. When someone commits a sin, the second hand on the clock moves forward, and so the time displayed on the clock face when they die tells us how bad they were in life.

Rich examines some of the clocks. Many of the clocks are ticking slowly, some are ticking fast. Very few are hardly ticking at all. He sees an ornate clock on the wall with "Raven" printed over it. The clock reads 2:39, and Rich says, "That's not so many sins."

Rich sees a great grandfather clock, with "Pincho Paxton" printed over it. The clock reads 7:14. Rich says, "Better shape up Pincho, it's not looking so good for you."

Rich then sees his own clock, and the face is frozen at 4:20. Saint Peter says, "You barely got in, once it hits 6 o'clock, you go to hell."

Rich was relieved, and continued looking for clocks for people he knew in life. After looking for some time and seeing many many clocks, he says to Saint Peter, "I have seen all the clocks for everyone I knew in life except one, where is Lee Bamber's clock?"

Saint Peter laughs, points up, and says, "We use it for a ceiling fan!"

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Fallout
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Posted: 16th Mar 2006 22:01 Edited at: 16th Mar 2006 22:17
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A man went to the zoo. When he arrived there was only a dog. It was a sh*tzu.

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Joe Cooning
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Posted: 16th Mar 2006 22:48
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St. Peter gets bored one day and starts asking people how they died. The first in line explains: "I had a heart condition. One day I came home to my apartment early becasue I knew my wife was cheating on me. I came into the house and started looking around for her lover. Finally, I found him clinging to the balcony. I then stomped on his fingers and he fell below, but was saved by a bush. So I then pushed our wardrobe off the balcony on top of him. The strain was too much though, and I died."

"That's interesting," says St. Peter, then he asks the next guy in line.

"Well you see," explained the man. "I was working out on my balcony, when I accidently slipped and fell off. I managed to grab hold of the balcony below, though. But as I was holding on, some wacko comes and stomps on my fingers. I survived the fall, but then he dropped a wardrobe on me."

"This is getting really interesting," thought St. Peter. He then moves to the next guy in line and to his surprise sees Bill Clinton. "What are you doing here?" asked St. Peter.

"Well you see, I was hiding in this guy's wardrobe..."

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Robin
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Posted: 16th Mar 2006 22:56
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One day I looked out into my garden and saw there was a german sheppard sitting there having a dump on the grass.
The next day I looked out and saw him again - and this time he'd brought his dog along with him too.

HP H5550 PDA with fingerprint scanner for sale - need to sell - make me an offer!
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Chilled Programmer 420
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Posted: 16th Mar 2006 23:13
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What do you call a chav in a box,
INNIT
------------------------
What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted
------------------------
What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe
-----------------------------
slightly dirty

------------------------------------
Chavs are like slinkies, they have no real use but it's great to watch one fall dow na flight of stairs.
--------------------------------------
why is it a tradegy when a ford escort goes over the edge of a cliff with 4 chavis in it?
ford escorts seat 5!
---------------------------------
What's the difference between a Chav girl and the Grand Old Duke of York?

The Grand Old Duke of york only had ten thousand men...
-------------------------------------------------
What do you say to a chav at the peak of their career?
"Big Mac and fries please"
----------------------------------------------
What do you do if you run a chav over?
Slip it into reverse just to make sure.
----------------------------------------------
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Chav male, 6ft 5in
tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and
obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the
gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big
Chavster. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a blow
job?" he whispers. At this, the Chav leaps up with fire
in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool,
he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves
him badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing
had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer.
"I've never seen you react like that" he says "Just what did he say to
you?" "I'm not sure" the Chav replies. "Something about a job."




you gotta love chav jokes, funny coz there all true

[url=www.freewebs.com/tyhrfg][img]bruce.bmp[/img][/url]
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Fallout
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Posted: 16th Mar 2006 23:33 Edited at: 16th Mar 2006 23:38
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Can't remember where I heard this from.



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re faze
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Posted: 16th Mar 2006 23:36 Edited at: 16th Mar 2006 23:39
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@chillaxed programmer 420
eh...
(refaze gets prepared to slam 420 with megid)

Dont code slowly be SWIFT about it!
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Zotoaster
19
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Joined: 20th Dec 2004
Location: Scotland
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 23:37 Edited at: 16th Mar 2006 23:38
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@Fallout

Yeah that was Desperado, didn't look like the other guys enjoyed it much though, heheh.

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Chilled Programmer 420
18
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Joined: 24th Nov 2005
Location: NOT SAYING!, i dont wanna get kidnapped!
Posted: 16th Mar 2006 23:41
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at re faze...

[url=www.freewebs.com/tyhrfg][img]bruce.bmp[/img][/url]
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Megaton Cat
21
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Joined: 24th Aug 2003
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posted: 17th Mar 2006 00:04
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I am going to need kidney surgery after reading Fallout's pissing one...

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Chilled Programmer 420
18
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Joined: 24th Nov 2005
Location: NOT SAYING!, i dont wanna get kidnapped!
Posted: 17th Mar 2006 00:08
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at re faze, whats a megid?, im gettin the impression it would hurt...

i see ur a chav, and that was offensive, because of that, so ill lay of the chav jokes... better lay of the gay jokes and ugly jokes to, i dont wanna offend you anymore...

[url=www.freewebs.com/tyhrfg][img]bruce.bmp[/img][/url]
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Sid Sinister
19
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Joined: 10th Jul 2005
Location:
Posted: 17th Mar 2006 00:25
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George Bush is walking along and all of a sudden sees an old man with a grey beard who looks alot like Moses. He stops the man and asks him, "Are you Moses?" and the man gave no reply. George Bush asked him again, "Are you Moses?" and still the man gave no reply. Finally George Bush says, "I am the President of the United States, answer me now! Are you Moses?" Finally Moses says, "Sorry, it's just the last time I talked to a Bush I ended up wandering the dessert for 40 years!

Lol!
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re faze
20
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Joined: 24th Sep 2004
Location: The shores of hell.
Posted: 17th Mar 2006 01:10 Edited at: 17th Mar 2006 01:11
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@chillax, just playing around

go to pscave.com and you can read all about megid

Quote: "
Megid
Type Dark
TP Cost 30 + (1/2 x level)
Description A dark technique. Strikes an enemy with a Curse of Death. "


Dont code slowly be SWIFT about it!
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Don Malone
21
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Joined: 27th Apr 2003
Location: Birmingham, Alabama
Posted: 17th Mar 2006 03:42 Edited at: 17th Mar 2006 03:44
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A guy sitting at a bar when a man rushs in and calls for a shot of whiskey. Quickly downing the drink he glances into his shirt pocket and immediatly demands another shot. and repeats the motion of checking his pocket. after the forth time; the man at the bar can't help but ask him what he is doing.

In my shirt pocket is a picture of my wife, and when she starts to look good to me. I'm rushing home to have sex with her.




---------------------- or

Two men were sitting at a bar and strike up a conversation. They eventually get around to comparing lives. The first man talks about having the ugliest wife in the world. Of course the second man says that can't be so. The first man says he can prove it and takes out his wallet and pulls out a picture of his wife.
After he finishes gagging and puking; the second man says that she is indeed an ugly woman, but not the ugliest woman in the world, and agrees to prove it by taking the man back to his house.

Entering the house the man pulls back a rug and throws open a door in the floor. A sweet female voice calls up "Honey is that you?"
"Yes, it's me. Can you come upstairs for a minute?"
"She says "I'll be up as soon as I put something on."
Her husband says "Don't worry about the bag for your face. I don't want to have sex with. I just want you to meet somebody."

I kind of hate myself right now


In Memory of My Dad.
I miss you very much.
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Milkman
18
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Joined: 30th Nov 2005
Location: United States
Posted: 17th Mar 2006 04:12
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actual excerpt from a conversation on irc:





formerly xMik
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Opposing force
19
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Joined: 10th Aug 2005
Location: England
Posted: 17th Mar 2006 15:38
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Heres a joke

A little boy walks on to a bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy then shouts out...

"IF MY MUM WAS A COW AND MY DAD WAS A BULL THEN I WOULD BE A CALF"

The bus driver ignores the boy and carries on. A few moments later the boy shouts out...

"IF MY MUM WAS A MUMMY ELEPHANT AND MY DAD WAS A DADDY ELEPHANT THEN I WOULD BE A BABY ELEPHANT"

The bus driver sighs but ignores him again. The boy does not stop going on about this and eventually the Bus driver looses it and says...

"WHAT IF YOUR DAD WAS A DRUNK AND YOUR MUM WAS A PROSTITUTE???"

The boy smiles and says...

"then I would be a bus driver"



pretty lame joke I know...

Felony Rise 10% complete
Middle Earth ORPG 2%
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Big Man
19
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Joined: 4th Feb 2005
Location: BEHIND YOU!!!! (but I live in England)
Posted: 17th Mar 2006 19:16
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@pro g r ammer hahaha that was good I will use that next time im on a bus, hopefully it will work.

Our aim is to keep the loo's clean, your aim can help.
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Joe Cooning
21
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Joined: 29th Mar 2003
Location: United States
Posted: 18th Mar 2006 04:14 Edited at: 18th Mar 2006 04:16
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A Engineering graduate student walks out of his physics class when he hears a voice. He looks down and sees that it came from a frog. The frog looks at him and says, "If you give me a kiss I will turn into a beautiful princess, and as a reward, I will go out with you."
The student then shakes his head, picks up the frog and buts it in his backpack. After a while he hears the voice again.
"If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess, and I'll go out with you as many times as you want." Once again, though, the student shakes his head and puts the frog away. Finally, he hears the voice one more time.
"If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess, and I'll do for you whatever you want me too, JUST PLEASE CHANGE ME BACK!" The students just shakes his head though and replies, "I'm too busy for a girlfriend right now...but a talking frog rocks!"

****Another Joke****

Barbra Walters is interviewing a pirate.
BW:"So how is it being a pirate?"
P:"Oh, it's just great! I would recommend it to anyone."
BW:"But don't you feel it might be kind of dangerous."
P:"Not at all!"
BW:"Well I see that you have a peg leg."
P:"Oh that, that was an accident. I was swimming near my secret cove when I was attacked by a shark. Bit my leg off. But htats an accident that could happen to anyone."
BW:"OK, but what about that hook you have instead of a hand."
P:"Oh, that was another dumb mistake. You see, I was teaching this new guy how to sword fight, when he did something really stupid while I was watching him go through his moves, and there went my hand. It's just a risk of the business."
BW:"Ok, but what about the patch eye."
P:"Once again...another dumb mistake. You see, I was watching the clouds one day when a seagull pooped right in my eye."
BW:"That's disgusting, but I don't see how you lost your eye from it."
P:"Well you see, that was the day after I got my hook."

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