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Geek Culture / I'm bored.....Anyone know any good jokes?

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Rose
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Location: Ireland
Posted: 14th Apr 2003 21:02
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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud
rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts
over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot
handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to
me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over
in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I
will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets
the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a
chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a
head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and
the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already
about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining
fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on
the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young
rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit...
third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS
-age and treachery will always overcome youth and
skill!
Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over!
http://members.lycos.co.uk/timesaga/rose.gif[/img]
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Rose
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Posted: 14th Apr 2003 21:04
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Pain free!

A married couple went to the hospital to have their
baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they
were willing to try it out. They were both very much
in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for
starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more
pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and
asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain
transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was
obviously helping out his wife considerably, the
husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the
pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no
pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was dead on their porch



Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over!
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 14th Apr 2003 23:13
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lol

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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QuothTheRaven
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Posted: 14th Apr 2003 23:19
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heard the second one, its a classic, but the first one was too long to be funny

Darken the skies, we are god
http://www.DelvarWorld.com
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Kentaree
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 01:18
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Three guys are sitting in a bar on the the top floor of a skyscraper, and all have had plenty to drink. One of the guys says to the others: "the wind around this building is so strong that, if you jump out of the window it will carry you around the building and back in.". The other guys go "Really? Show us then." So the guy gets up, jumps out of the window and sure enough gets blown around the building back into the window. So the other 2 guys go: "We'll try that too!" and jump out of the window, and drop 50 floors to their untimely demise. The barman walks up to the remaining guy and says "You know you're some b*st*rd when you're drunk, Superman!"

Whatever I did I didn't do it!
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lcfcfan
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 02:38 Edited at: 15th Apr 2003 02:39
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"This joke is not for kids"

There are two farmers one farmer one says to farmer two

Ah i was just thinking about that cow milking machine in my barn farmer two replies what were you thinking about the machine for, farmer one says well i havent had sex in a while and i bet that milking machine would give a right good wank farmer two says try it out then, farmer one says ok i'll give it a whirl and straps him self in

5 mins later famer one says to farmer two oh yes that was F***** excellent not had a wank like that since i found my dads porn stash when i was a lad, farmer two says if it's that good i'll have a go too, farmer one replies ok but how do i turn this machine off look for the off switch farmer two goes off and looks for the off switch

another 15 mins later farmer two returns and says to farmer one who has a big smile on his face ok you can turn it off but a bit of a problem, farmer one says ok whats the problem then farmer two replies well as i said you can turn it off but you've got to fill the bucket first!

:-s

2ghz, ati radeon mobility 32mb DDR, 30gb, 256mb DDR ram, Win Xp

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lcfcfan
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 02:41
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i liked the first one it a cool joke!

2ghz, ati radeon mobility 32mb DDR, 30gb, 256mb DDR ram, Win Xp

http://www.apollo-design.com
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Arrow
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 03:20
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The second encarnation huh?

This one is not too bad.

A farmer had a ton of chickens but no rooster, so he goes to the county store and asks for a rooster. The clerk asks how many chickens he has and he sayes "around 100". "Well we got one rooster that can handle that many chickens," said the clerk "His name is Ed, but I must warn you, this is the horniest rooster ever, if you're not carefull he'll **** himself to death". The farmer buys Ed and takes him home. The second he gets out of his truck, Ed takes off. Within an hour all the chickens are laid and Ed is still going. By nightfall, the chickens can barely stand and all the rest of the farm animals have been 'visted' by old Ed, and he's still chasing after a few of them. The farmer is dog tired trying to catch Ed so he calls it a night. The next morining the farmer wakes up and heads outside only to see Ed lieing on the groung, with vurtures circling overhead. "Why dd you have to die, Ed" sayes the farmer. "Shut up" wispers Ed, "they're getting ready to land."

The Legend of Zelda IS NOT an RPG! It's an Adventure, just like Ico or Dark Cloud.
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Jonny_S
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 03:25
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ok I dont want to seem like a racist its an englishman irishman and scottsman joke so Ill just call em person 1 person 2 and person 3 you'll be able to work out which is which

3 people in a forest the first one says "god im hungry" and he goes off in search of food, he comes back 10 mins later with a dead cow. The other two say "how did you get that?" person 1 replies "I saw the tracks, followed the tracks and killed the cow."

The second one then says "god im hungry" and he goes off in search of food, he comes back 10 mins later with a dead deer. Person 3 says "how did you get that?" person 1 replies I saw the tracks, followed the tracks and killed the deer

Then person 3 goes off he comes back with an arm missing and basicly about to die . The other to say "How did you do that!" person 3 replies by saying "I saw the tracks, followed the tracks and got ran ver by a train" x-d

CURRENT PROJECT - FIGHT OF THE CENTURY VIST
http://www.freewebz.com/supermonkeysmansion
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 03:33
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lmao... i think i can guess who is what in that joke sMs

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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Danmatsuma
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 07:35
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Well ok,

See there's this young guy, he's been caught doing drugs and imprisoned.

So, he's thrust into this cell with a big fat bloke named 'Burbles', who's covered in shoddy prison tatt's from head to toe, and is playing with a large bowie knife, digging it into his palm.
Burbles looks so menacing that the kid nearly sh*ts his pants at the mere sight of the guy, and cowers in the corner.
After about 10 minutes of this the kid can't stand it, and ventures to break the ice, saying "Soooo, erm, you must get pretty bored in here..."
Burbles grunts, shifts in his chair, farts and turns his one good eye on the kid and says: "Well, not really, see I play games."

Kid: "What kind of games?"

Burbles: "I've got two games, I've got 'Mommys and Daddies', and I've got 'Kill the new Kid'. Which one do you wanna play?"

The Kid chooses the obvious one: "O.K... Mommy's and Daddies"
Burbles lights up, "Thats my FAVOURITE, heheh, Now, who do you wanna be, the Mommy or the daddy?"

The Kid's not so naive he don't know what being the mommy would mean,
so he says:"Is it O.K if I be the Daddy?"

Burbles drools,"Course it is son!, Now come over here and Suck mommy's c**k "

ZX Spectrum 48k Issue 3, Radio shack Tape drive, Rank arena 12" T.V. set.
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 09:56
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Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 10:10
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Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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Danmatsuma
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 10:18
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*lol*

ZX Spectrum 48k Issue 3, Radio shack Tape drive, Rank arena 12" T.V. set.
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 10:18
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Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 10:28
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sorry i don't have any jokes... i can't tell them, my real-life is funnier than anything i could possibly make up.
unfortunatly its the way in which i bitch about my life which makes it funny. but i'm catching up on scotts comic at the mo so i'm havin' a good laugh

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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Danmatsuma
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 10:32
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Yeah jokes 'aint my strong point, situations can be made funny by a comment or two, but to actually tell a joke like a story is a dying art, for instance what makes that joke I posted above funny, is it was told to me by my father soon after he got out of jail

ZX Spectrum 48k Issue 3, Radio shack Tape drive, Rank arena 12" T.V. set.
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 11:03
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hehee... well there was this one time i was telling my girlfriend about about that happened with a car i borrowed once.
it was a mates crappy peugot 205 (like 10years old gotta have been) ... well a few that nite and my mate said, "why don't ya take my car home, bring it back in the morning." cause i had work the next day. well i get home, all pleased that i was able to drive it 100miles in not quite a fit driving state. so i get out and i close the door ... what happens the back passenger window fell out.
no reason for it just *pop...SMASH!*
well you know when you get so angry so quick that it just doesn't register... so i'm standing there going "alllright, i see..." just jittering on the spot. Eventually the anger caught up with me and i decided to do the stupid thing and god know why i kicked the car. Now you know the little windows that are just behind the passenger ones?
yeah you guessed it, that bloody fell out too!
now i'm just pissed that this happened, so i decide fair do's i'll just tape over the windows leave it cause it don't matter much.
I'm woke up the next morning by Catrin, and she's all like "hey someone broke into the car last nite!" ... i'm like up as quick as a bolt cause i cared about my car lol - well i get out there and you know that point where you're not quite sure whats going on and its like an episode of the twilight zone.
I'm looking at this peugot wonder why the hell people who stole my car would leave me a replacement car ... but that wasn't the funniest part, because Catrin tugged me over and showed me the windows and said.

"look they broke into Chris's car, they took it for a ride cause it was over there last nite (pointing to the bay across the street), they filled it up with petrol and covered the windows up!"
the funniest part being i wasn't awake yet so this all sounded completely plausable to me... it was only when i was explaining it to the policeman to report it had been taken, then returned, that i got quite calmly told by the officer to think about my statement and how plausible the whole situtation sounded.

its only when the copper looking at the car was hearing his mate explain back the details and began to laugh that it made me think, ahh yeah ... i see your point lol

i've got so many stupid stupids about things i've done, or my mates... like the time my mate daniel tried to beat up a lampost because he walked into it and thought it was trying to have him - HAHAA that cracked me up.

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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indi
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 11:05
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bubba is a well known guy around his office.

His mate Jack cant beleive some stories bubba lays down sometimes and finally confronts him about his possible lies about famous people he knows.

anyway Jack starts on bubba

So Bubba if u know that many famous people I could pluck one out of my mind and you should be a friend of theres yes.

bubba nods.

Jack thinks hard, and says ok I bet you dont know madonna.

Bubba whips out his mobile and makes a call says some uhuhs and yeps and oks then says to jack we board a flight to NY tonight and we are having drinks with madz.

Jack is on a flight and cant believe it.
The meeting with Madz is a blur of alcohol and party time.

Jacks not convinced and thinks this was a lucky shot.

Jack leans over to Bubba on the way home and says ok smarty pants Im going to choose two more famous people and u have to know them, if u do ill quit my job and never argue the point again.

So do you know Mel gibson?

Bubba whips out his mobile and hooks up a meeting while Mel works on his latest movie Lethal Methaine 9.

Jack is astounded its 2 for 3 so far so Jack thinks hard about his next famous person.

I know You cant know the Pope surely hes out of your league.


Bubba gets on the phone.
A few minutes later bubba talks to jack.
Now jack I cant take you up to the window itself where he see the crowd but if u hang in the crowd ill come out with the pope.
SO jack waits with millions of onlookers and low and behold out comes the pope with Bubba!
Bubba looks down only to see his friend lying on the ground passed out.
Bubba rushes down and asks a man what happened to my friend jack.
The man says some guy asked whos that guy with bubba.

http://www.lunarpixel.com

http://www.lunarpixel.com/dt/
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 11:31
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hahaa

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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Martyn Pittuck
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 12:11
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That is one of the best ones i have ever heard.

Well maybe not, but it was truly a great one!

The Outside is a evil place to be, too much light, too much noise and too many distractions....
I went outside once and my FPS rate dropped to 5.
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darkCorridor
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 12:11
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v funny

[br]mikey
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Danmatsuma
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 13:07
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heheheheeee ain't heard that one before!!

ZX Spectrum 48k Issue 3, Radio shack Tape drive, Rank arena 12" T.V. set.
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darkCorridor
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 15:10
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heres a joke ....
ME!


[br]mikey
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Rose
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 16:52
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I've heard them all, any of you got any original jokes......


No offence meant to anyone dyslexic here, but I thought these were funny:

What does DNA stand for :
National Dyslexics Association

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to SANTA....

Or how French Connection UK are being really insulting to dyslexic people.....

Or about the dyslexic man that walked into a bra...


or.... ok i'll stop now incase anyone is insulted....

Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over!
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Van B
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 17:15
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"The assistant said it was water-proof, turns out it was only splash proof.

Last time I buy a toaster from him..."
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Martyn Pittuck
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 18:04
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me slightlu dyslexic.

Hey Rose i must have missed ya on MSN, go out for 15 mins and everything happems!

The Outside is a evil place to be, too much light, too much noise and too many distractions....
I went outside once and my FPS rate dropped to 5.
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indi
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 18:05
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hehe my gf is dyslexic and liked the santa one.

http://www.lunarpixel.com

http://www.lunarpixel.com/dt/
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empty
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 20:11 Edited at: 15th Apr 2003 20:11
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Software Development Cycle


1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...

Ogres have layers.
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lcfcfan
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Posted: 15th Apr 2003 22:59
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i have more jokes rose but i would get banned from the forum if i told them!

2ghz, ati radeon mobility 32mb DDR, 30gb, 256mb DDR ram, Win Xp

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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 16th Apr 2003 00:01
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lmao... ahh the life cycle of Microsoft i see

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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indi
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Posted: 16th Apr 2003 12:20
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hey jmansr please refraim from profanity of that nature, thanks.


swear filtered

[Quote]
A girl was checking out at a grocery store. She was buying 1 TV diner, 1 pint of milk, 1 box of cookies and 1 chocolate bar. The guy at the counter smiles at here and asks "Hey, are you single?". The girl answers "Why yes, how'd you guess?". The guy smirks at the girl and says "Oh it's quite simple. You're "Very" Ugly.".
[/quote]

http://www.lunarpixel.com

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xtom
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Posted: 17th Apr 2003 02:37
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Here's one that everyones probably heard by now

Where does Saddam keep his cd's?

In Iraq
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 17th Apr 2003 03:15
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How many of Saddam's advisors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one ... but you need 2 doubles to make sure that no one sees the real one changing the bulb and one more to deny the american pigs saw it being changed

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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APEXnow
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Posted: 17th Apr 2003 05:10
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Short but sweet hehe-
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?






None, it's a hardware problem!

There are 10 types of people, there are people who understand binary, and there are those who don't
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 17th Apr 2003 05:21
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How many Social Service workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

one... but the lightbulb really has to want to change

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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APEXnow
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A guy walks into a bar with a Giraffe,
The guy goes up to the bar and says..
"I'll have two beers for me and the giraffe"
They both sit down at a table.
Half hour later, the guy comes up and asks for another two beers.
This goes on all night....
Three hours later, the guy and the giraffe get up to leave.
As they leave, the giraffe falls over at the door while the
guy keeps walking out the door.

The barman shouts over...
"Oi!!, you can't leave that lying there..."
The guy shouts over, "It aint a lion, it's a giraffe!"

There are 10 types of people, there are people who understand binary, and there are those who don't
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 17th Apr 2003 06:48
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A guy walks into a bar suffering from a cold and a big moose...
after a minute the barman was curious and asks, "hey man, why did you bring a moose in here?"
the guy hands the barman a lamp and says, "god i've had the worst day ever! i got myself this stupid lamp from a car boot sale, i get it home clean up and a gunie poped out... wow i thought result!
well my first wish was to have huge amount ofs gold, and i got this stupid cold... so my friend here" as he pointed to the moose, "wished that he was big and famous."
the barman kinda understanding now replied "Oh wow, that is a crappy day... well what happened to your third wish?"
the man opened his bag and put a 12" man with a small piano onto the bar, "just guess what i wished for last!"

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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APEXnow
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Lol, thats bad man!!!

There are 10 types of people, there are people who understand binary, and there are those who don't
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Danmatsuma
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Posted: 17th Apr 2003 09:07
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*hehehe*

ZX Spectrum 48k Issue 3, Radio shack Tape drive, Rank arena 12" T.V. set.
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indi
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Posted: 17th Apr 2003 09:54
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hehe

http://www.lunarpixel.com

http://www.lunarpixel.com/dt/
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Dave J
Retired Moderator
21
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Joined: 11th Feb 2003
Location: Secret Military Pub, Down Under
Posted: 17th Apr 2003 10:49
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I've heard a different variation of that one, heh.

"Computers are useless they can only give you answers."
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Andy Igoe
22
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Joined: 6th Oct 2002
Location: United Kingdom
Posted: 18th Apr 2003 01:31
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A man walks into a bar, and says "Ouch".

Pneumatic Dryll, Outrageous epic cleric of EQ/Xev
God made the world in 7 days, but we're still waiting for the patch.
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Shadow Robert
22
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Joined: 22nd Sep 2002
Location: Hertfordshire, England
Posted: 18th Apr 2003 06:29
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A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "Hi, can you tell me what the time is?" ... the barman tells him the time and he says thanks and leaves.
Next day the man comes in again and asks for the time, barman says the same thing.
Comes round to the end of the week and the man's asked for the time everyday, so the guy comes in again andthe barman says, "Hey you've been in here everyday this week, you don't buy anything just ask for the time and walk off... if you do it again i'm going to nail you to the wall!"
the guy walks out and comes back the next day,
"Hi do you have any nails?"
the barman looks confused... "Erm, no."
"Good, then could you tell me what the time is?"

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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indi
22
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Joined: 26th Aug 2002
Location: Earth, Brisbane, Australia
Posted: 18th Apr 2003 08:06
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snickers

http://www.lunarpixel.com

http://www.lunarpixel.com/dt/
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Shadow Robert
22
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Joined: 22nd Sep 2002
Location: Hertfordshire, England
Posted: 18th Apr 2003 10:32
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i wish i knew some good jokes, all these are so old and really bad lol

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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indi
22
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Joined: 26th Aug 2002
Location: Earth, Brisbane, Australia
Posted: 18th Apr 2003 11:07
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I cant tell the one about Pierre the french fighter pilot, I think its too rude.

http://www.lunarpixel.com

http://www.lunarpixel.com/dt/
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darkCorridor
21
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Joined: 27th Jan 2003
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Posted: 18th Apr 2003 12:11
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Indi even moderators have to have some fun once in a while sitick an adults only sign on the thread!

[br]mikey
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Shadow Robert
22
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Joined: 22nd Sep 2002
Location: Hertfordshire, England
Posted: 18th Apr 2003 12:15
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oh yeah that'll keep out the under 18's hahaa

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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darkCorridor
21
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Joined: 27th Jan 2003
Location:
Posted: 18th Apr 2003 12:43
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sowwy .. it was only a joke ..

[br]mikey
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