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Geek Culture / [LOCKED] Jokes - Best Ever

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Michael P
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 15:03
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My brother recently broke his leg, and then as he was walking with his crutches stabbed his foot (on his other leg). Loads of blood was spurting out so we had to get an ambulance. The incident has rendered him unable to move for the next few weeks/months. Here's what I said to him when I next saw him after the ambulance incident:

Good to see you're alive and kicking!
Oh wait..
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Benjamin
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 15:53
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Ouch.

Multisync - TCP Server/Client Multiplayer Plugin (DBP/DBCe)
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5Louiz
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 17:27
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Give up on trying to depress me.

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Agent Dink
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 17:34
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My best jokes (I guess they'd also be my worst jokes...) always come at horrible times, similar to your incident Michael P. So generally I don't say them. Unless of course I know the person can totally take the joke and understand I'm being sarcastic. They're usually spur of the moment so I can't really remember any of the good ones at the moment.

MISoft Studios - Silver-Dawn

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Michael P
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 17:47
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What do you call a tree that says poems all day...

A poet tree


If you didn't get that, try writing poet tree out as one word.
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Oolite
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 17:55 Edited at: 3rd Apr 2008 17:57
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On second thoughts, it might not be best...

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MSon
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 18:03 Edited at: 3rd Apr 2008 18:15
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I apologise now to any Irish people reading this.

Quote: "An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What’s this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?" "



Everyone Be Cool, You, Be Cool.
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Michael P
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 18:07
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What do you call a dear with no eyes?

No eye dear
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Agent Dink
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 18:27
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MSon... that was... BRILLIANT!

MISoft Studios - Silver-Dawn

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MSon
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 18:37
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better if you can do it through illustration, but thats difficult over the internet

Everyone Be Cool, You, Be Cool.
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hyrichter
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 18:57
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Haha, speaking of math jokes:
Did you know that 25/5=14? It does:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avDxWrdbjws

CodeSurge
Version 1.0 finally released! Code your DBP projects in style. (And save the kittens!)
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MSon
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 19:03
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Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Everyone Be Cool, You, Be Cool.
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BiggAdd
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 19:15 Edited at: 3rd Apr 2008 19:15
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Bill Bailey?


A Magic tractor goes down a road and turns into field.

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Matt Rock
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 21:30
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A guy and a duck walk into a bar... ouch... quack...

A string walks into a bar and says "bartender, gimme a drink." The bartender says "bah, we don't serve strings here, get lost!" So the string is all bummed out, and walks down the street headed for the next pub, where the same thing happens to him. Angry, he leaves the bar and runs into another string, this one drunk as a skunk. "how do you get a drink in this town?" asks our sober string friend. "Oh," replies the drunken lace, "mess up your hair like thus, and cross your arms." The sober string thanks his new chum and heads into the nearest pub, shortly after following the other string's directions. "Hey... you a string?" asks the barkeep. "Nope... I'm afraid not."

Get it? Like, frayed knot? I tried

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bobert
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 21:39
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what is red,orange and lays on the couch?

A wounded cheesy

therapy has taught me not to talk to men with needles
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MSon
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 21:49
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How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

Everyone Be Cool, You, Be Cool.
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MSon
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 21:55
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A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.

Then a girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarette packet, "Smoking is bad for your health!"

The boy replies back: "Darling, I'm a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."


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MSon
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 21:57 Edited at: 3rd Apr 2008 22:07
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Why were all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Because it's below C level.

Yes, i know its a poor joke

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bobert
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 22:05
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Triple play!!!!

therapy has taught me not to talk to men with needles
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Michael P
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 22:15
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick
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Michael P
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 22:16
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What's brown and runs around the garden?

A fence (hahaha, and you thought this was a racist joke)
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Michael P
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 22:16
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What's red white and black?

An inter-racial car crash (and you thought it was a newspaper!)
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bobert
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 22:27
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double triple play!!!

therapy has taught me not to talk to men with needles
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MSon
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 22:30
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What does the dentist of the year get?

A little plaque.

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bobert
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 22:31
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nice!

therapy has taught me not to talk to men with needles
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MSon
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 22:33
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An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the the first question yes, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway, "Never got caught."

Everyone Be Cool, You, Be Cool.
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MSon
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 22:34 Edited at: 3rd Apr 2008 22:34
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Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."



Everyone Be Cool, You, Be Cool.
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xplosys
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 22:35
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Quote: ""Hey... you a string?" asks the barkeep. "Nope... I'm afraid not.""


And that one started out so good........ shame. LOL

An old couple are sitting on the front porch watching the sunset when the man asks, "Honey, what will you do if I die first?"

After a little thought, the woman says, "I would find a couple of woman to move in with, possibly younger than me since I'm still pretty active, and try to have some fun with my remaining time. How about you? What will you do if I die first?"

"That's what I would do too." the man answered.

fpsFREE.com - for FREE FPSC Content
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MSon
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 22:49
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Q. Why are all computers female...

A.


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MSon
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 23:06 Edited at: 3rd Apr 2008 23:07
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Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:



Source

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SunnyKatt
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 23:32
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why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

it was dead.


what does the squirrel get when it rains?

wet.


what do you call a bear with no teeth?

a gummy bear.


whats black and white and cant get through a revolving door?

a zebra with a spear stuck through it's head.

ZEKEGAMES FORUMS-GOOGLE "Zekegames"
http://forum.thegamecreators.com/?m=forum_view&t=115938&b=20
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Pus In Boots
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Posted: 3rd Apr 2008 23:36
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This seems awfully similar to my old Corniest Jokes thread. Bump that thread. You know you wanna...

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bobert
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 01:41 Edited at: 4th Apr 2008 01:43
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Ok heres a few more:

Did you hear about the blonde they found dead in a closet yesterday?

No what happened?

She was wearing a ribbon that said hide and seek champion 1985!



one more:

a blonde,brenette and ginger are about to be executed on the gun range over the next 3 days.

the first day the brenette is about to be executed 3 2 1- the brenette yells "tornado!" everyone looks the other way and the brenette escapes.

The second day the ginger is about to be executed 3 2 1- the ginger yells "Earthquake!" every one looks down and the ginger escapes.

the last day the blonde is about to be executed 3 2 1- the blonde yells "FIRE!"

therapy has taught me not to talk to men with needles
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SunnyKatt
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 01:55
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Ha, that made me giggle.

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Jeku
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 03:02
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Quote: "What's brown and sticky?

A stick"


Haha I love that one.

What's big, red, and eats rocks?

A big red rockeater.


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SunnyKatt
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 04:11
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I love the really simple ones. I have tons of dead baby jokes but they are offensive and hence wont place them here...

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Xenocythe
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 04:32
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Did someone say dead baby jokes?

How many babies does it take to paint wall red?

Depends on how hard you throw them.



That's so cruel.

3.11 We do not tolerate posts made for the purpose of putting down another forum member, group of members, religion, our company, our staff or any of our moderators, past or present.
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Agent Dink
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 08:05
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Dunno really how anyone would find that funny

MISoft Studios - Silver-Dawn

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Duplex
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 09:37
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I did, but I have a cruel, cruel mind. Mwhahahahaha

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Triangle Trumper
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 10:43
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A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He slowly takes sips from each of them. The next day he does the same, so the bartender asks, "Why don't you just order one beer and drink it all?" "Oh, my mates always drink with me, but they can't come, so I drink for them." The bartender thinks that he's a bit crazy. He continues to do this every day, but one day he only orders two beers. Everyone in the bar thinks that one of the man's friends have died, and pay their respects. "Oh no," the man says, "he hasn't died. It's just that I've given up drinking.
=D

If con is the oppostie of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?
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SunnyKatt
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 12:59
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That was one of them.

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Dared1111
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 17:23
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3 women:
GINGER
BRUNETTE
BLONDE

They are escaping from jail
The guard comes along so they hide in bags
The guard whacks the first bag with the ginger in so she makes a sound like a cat so the guard does not know
The guard then whacks the bag with the brunette in, she makes a dog sound so the guard does not know
The guard whacks the blonde's bag, and so she says "Potatoes"


Is the Apple Mac(intosh) waterproof? (Mac users test. Go on, I dare you
Do fishes get thirsty?
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SikaSina Games
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 18:57 Edited at: 4th Apr 2008 18:58
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Quote: "a blonde,brenette and ginger are about to be executed on the gun range over the next 3 days.

the first day the brenette is about to be executed 3 2 1- the brenette yells "tornado!" everyone looks the other way and the brenette escapes.

The second day the ginger is about to be executed 3 2 1- the ginger yells "Earthquake!" every one looks down and the ginger escapes.

the last day the blonde is about to be executed 3 2 1- the blonde yells "FIRE!""

LOL, I heard that when I was in year 7!!!



1. A brunette is running along a railway singing "15, 15, 15, 15...", and a blonde comes up to her and asks if she can join in. She starts singing aswell. A train comes down the track, the brunette jumps out of the way, and the blnde gets killed. the brunette runs back on singing "16, 16 ,16..." LOL

2. (No offense to the irish ) An Englishman, Irishman and a Scottishman are in a prison camp in World War II. They plan to run away, and do so. they hide in a barn with 3 sacks while the germans are finding them. The germans come in and find the sacks. They poke the englishman, who goes "Woof! Woof!" They go to the scottishman, and he goes "Meow, Meow!" They go up to the irishman, poke him, and he goes..............."Potatoes!" LOLOL EDIT: Damn, someone cut in to make this joke in the girls style

3.A woman is reading a book in a boat in a non-fishing area. The lifeguard comes up to her and says "madam, i'm going to have to do you for having your equipment out. The woman replies saying "Well I can just do you for sexual harassment" The lifeguard says "why's that?" She says "Well, You're going to do me as you have your equipment out!" LOL (If I got it right :L)

Look for X10~photon on Halo: Combat Evolved mostly in mod areas.

www.outputoverload.webs.com
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Zotoaster
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 19:14
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An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are in the Amazon Rainforest and come across an evil tribe. They put the English guy in a guillotine facing up the way, and after a quick countdown the large knife falls and stops right at the end of his neck. The Scotsman goes in next, and the cutting edge falls and stops again at his neck. The Irishman finally goes under and looks up at the guillotine. While they are counting down, he interupts and says "Wait! I think I see your problem"

Don't you just hate that Zotoaster guy?
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Jeku
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 20:16
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You annoy me, therefore you are.

I read that one today and it made me laugh.


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Agent Dink
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 22:04
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You know... I've never heard any Irish jokes before this thread. Is that a European thing? I guess so since in the US we mostly have Mexican and African American jokes

MISoft Studios - Silver-Dawn

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5Louiz
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Posted: 4th Apr 2008 23:36 Edited at: 4th Apr 2008 23:40
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I have some bad ones. I like the third:







If you like Hitler, do not expand this code block:



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Deathead
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Posted: 5th Apr 2008 01:23
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I have a joke but I think it may be edited so here it goes...
What do you call a prostitute on wheelchair?
"Park and Ride".

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SunnyKatt
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Posted: 5th Apr 2008 02:44
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Yeah, that will get edited.

but lol at the spelling error

Quote: "shooted"


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5Louiz
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Posted: 5th Apr 2008 05:44
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kthx fur pointeing allt. ^^

Peculiar... My spelling mistakes are rare enough to be funny. I have problems with some irregular verbs of the English language. You deserve biscuits and a cup with muddy water for helping me.

Cheers.

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