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Geek Culture / Telling Jokes...CAN WE???

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The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 00:02 Edited at: 29th Jan 2010 01:14
Okay, so here's another (a really dirty) one from me:

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my undressed body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to <edit> your brains out, and <edit> your airbags dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Whahahahaaahaaaahaaaaa!!

Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
HowDo
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 00:03
how do you tell someone a good joke?



Dark Physics makes any hot drink go cold.
The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 00:07
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Whahahahaahaaa!!!



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
lazerus
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 00:09 Edited at: 29th Jan 2010 00:10
sorry to be a pooper mate, but remove the starts, you cant have them...

Mods have strict language rules soo just a headsup.

Opps pg 2 aswell lol

The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 00:10 Edited at: 29th Jan 2010 01:16
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife a baby. So, he went to the doctor to have a 'fish' count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well doctor, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Whahaaahaaahahaaahaaa!!!



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
budokaiman
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 00:12 Edited at: 29th Jan 2010 00:29
How do you keep a moron busy forever?



This signature is legen-wait for it... dary };]
Seppuku Arts
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 00:27 Edited at: 29th Jan 2010 00:28
Quote: "Maybe it's more to do with the majority of the jokes on thread been pretty rubbish?"


Yup. But then some jokes are funny because they're rubbish, though not all jokes are meant to be. There's many types of humour.

Most of these jokes remind me of my Dad's, so face-palming it is pretty immediate.

To further a point, this is one of the jokes my Dad told me:

What's the best way to order drugs over the phone?



Typically, it's usually best to avoid your Dad's sense of humour. But then maybe we English are too cynical?

Quote: "Comon Sepp give us a real poncy joke ^_^"


Poncy? I don't think I know any, I can speak like one, but not joke like one.

Maybe...

1: Old bean, what's worse than a peasant?

2: What?

1: Two peasants.

2: Oh ho ho! By Joe! You're quite right, quite right chap. Jolly good show.

1: Rather.

The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 00:31
Okay, so here I changed the initial three letter word (you know WHICH one) with 'community' (in order to not include 'bad' language terms).

A man and a woman started to have community in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it (community), the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Hahahaaahaaaa!!!



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 00:52
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
zeroSlave
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 01:01 Edited at: 29th Jan 2010 01:03
Quote: "sorry to be a pooper mate, but remove the starts, you cant have them...

Mods have strict language rules soo just a headsup."


Yeah, I would edit out the stars and replace them with some PG-13 language. Heck, I can be as vulgar as anyone, but from my lurking these forums I have seen many examples of Mods not being too happy with starred out swear words. But I am definitely loving the jokes! Some good stuff here!

Quote: "Maybe it's more to do with the majority of the jokes on thread been pretty rubbish?"


That's a joke right?... Actually, I think the phrase that sums it up is: "A joke is only as good as it's delivery." That is why I am storing these jokes in my memory so that I can share them with my buddies over a pint or twelve.


@Howdo: Awesome. I will definitely use that next time someone tells me a joke!

There's something in this room that makes you can't speak well.
The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 01:38
Quote: "But I am definitely loving the jokes! Some good stuff here! "


Thanx CoughMist, that was the whole idea of this thread. And, I've edited those 'bad' words, to keep everybody happy.

Cheers

Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
budokaiman
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 03:13
Quote: "All I wanted to do was to <edit> your brains out"

I think that's the best thing that I've seen on this thread.

This signature is legen-wait for it... dary };]
xplosys
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 05:09
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?



Brian.

Bugsy
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 06:12
I've heard that one.

also, how do you keep a nerd in suspense?



just the same.



to fenix mod!
Lukas W
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 06:27
I have one:

Two guys were standing in a room, talking to each other.
The first guy asked "So Bill, I heard your wife left you?"
And the second guy said - wait, I forgot, but it was really funny!!

The Taffer (+TaffED)
A thief inspired game along with the mission editor (DBPro). [on hiatus]
Lonnehart
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 09:47
Three men were standing at the pearly gates waiting their turn to get into heaven. "I will give you a vehicle based on how faithful you were to your spouse in life" he says.
He gives the first man a bicycle. The first man enters the gates not looking very happy.
The second man recieves a push scooter. He enters the gates looking even less happy than the first.

They meet up at a curb sometime later and they are met by the third guy, who drives up in a Porsche... but he was crying uncontrollably.

"Hey, man! Sweet ride!" says the first man, who was impressed with the car.

"You got the best ride of the three of us!" said the second man. "So why are you crying so much?"

The third man stopped crying and looked at them for a moment before he spoke.

"I just saw my wife. She was riding a unicycle!!!"

I know. Bad joke. I don't remember where I heard it though...

In the beginning there was nothing. There'll be nothing in the end...
HowDo
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 13:30 Edited at: 29th Jan 2010 13:30
Now lucky, can you tell me how many apples I have?




Now available for delivery life size map of your country!


where's the pen in a pen knife!

Dark Physics makes any hot drink go cold.
The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 13:49
Quote: "I think that's the best thing that I've seen on this thread."


<edit>, yeah!!

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his <edit> and starts <editing>.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "W T F is your problem?!? I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 13:58 Edited at: 29th Jan 2010 13:58
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was <editing>.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the <edits> rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient an 'inhalation' (did'nt find a better word to replace) job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
KeithC
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 14:08
At CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia; after years of training, two recruits awaited their final test.

A man walked into the room, and handed them each a pistol. These pistols are loaded; there are two doors, to two rooms in front of you. We have to know that you will follow orders without question, or hesitation. In each room is your mother, they are both spies. You are ordered to kill them.

Both recruits gave each other a look; then entered each room. After a few minutes; one recruit walked out, handed the instructor the pistol and stated that he couldn't do it...so he quit. The instructor told him that the pistol was never loaded, and his mother was no spy; but the test was to see if he would follow through with the order, and he failed.

After a few minutes more, screaming mixed in with a few loud noises erupted from the other room. Shortly after the second recruit exited the room.

"Sir; I tried to use the pistol to kill her, but there were no bullets in it. So I beat her to death with the chair!

-Keith
The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 15:02
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my <edit> this way!"



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 15:07
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his <edit>. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 15:11
"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big <edits>, tight <edit> and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm <editing> her."



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
Venge
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 15:43
Oh look, a joke without <edit>.


Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What for?"

"He was wrecking my house."


I will live forever or die trying.
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wizard of id
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 18:24 Edited at: 29th Jan 2010 18:26
Quote: ""He was wrecking my house.""


Ouch !!!!

@The Slayer
BTW quite the sex jokes they are distasteful... and is likely to cause trouble sooner or later....

"In my weird politically incorrect hypothetically incoherent contradicting obscured world definitively maybe"

lazerus
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 18:35
KiethC iv e heard that joke with a marine and a girl from brooklin. Though she used the gun to beat her to death

KeithC
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 18:45
Really? I've only heard this variation before. Ouch though...

-Keith
wizard of id
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 18:58
Quote: "AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the blackBurberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message .

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually pee in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that pee on your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in twothreatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex"


"In my weird politically incorrect hypothetically incoherent contradicting obscured world definitively maybe"

The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 19:18
Quote: "BTW quite the sex jokes "


You should'nt use THAT three letter word, wizard of id. You should call them <edit> jokes. Btw, I edited those 'bad' words.
And, no offense, but if a mod does'nt like those jokes, than it's up to them to tell me, right?

Quote: "they are distasteful..."


Well, I'm sure that there's plenty of people who do find them funny.



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
wizard of id
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 19:19
A special little lesson in Afrikaans language and culture for our overseas family and friends - See you at a braai in 2010!

Braai
What is a braai? It is the first thing you will be invited to when
you visit South Africa . A braai is a backyard barbecue and it will take
place whatever the weather. So you will have to go even if it's
raining like mad. At a braai you will be introduced to a substance
known as mieliepap.

Ag
This one of the most useful South African words. Pronounced like the
"ach" in the German "achtung", it can be used to start a reply when
you are asked a tricky question, as in: "Ag, I don't know." Or a
sense of resignation:"Ag OK, I'll have some more mieliepap then." It can
stand alone too as a signal of irritation.


Donner
A rude word, it comes from the Afrikaans "donder" (thunder).
Pronounced "dorner", it means "beat up." A team member in your rugby
team can get donnered in a game, or your wife can donner you if you
come back from a braai at three in the morning.


Eina
Widely used by all language groups, this word, derived from the
Afrikaans, means "ouch." Pronounced "aynah". You can say it in
sympathy when you see your friend the day after he got donnered by
his wife.


Hey
Often used at the end of a sentence to emphasize the importance of
what has just been said, as in "You're only going to get donnered if
you come in late again, hey?" It can also stand alone as a question.
Instead of saying "excuse me?" or "pardon me?" when you have not
heard something directed at you, you can always say: "Hey?"


Izit?
This is another great word to use in conversations. Derived from the
two words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing to
contribute if someone tells you something at a braai. For instance,
if
someone would say: "The Russians will succeed in their bid for
capitalism once they adopt a work ethic and respect for private
ownership." It is quite appropriate to respond by saying: "Izit?"


Ja well no fine
This is another conversation fallback. Derived from the four words:
"yes", "well", "no" and fine", it roughly means "OK". If your bank
manager tells you your account is overdrawn, you can, with
confidence, say: "Jawelnofine."


Klap
Pronounced "klup" - an Afrikaans word meaning smack, whack or spank.
If you spend too much time in front of the TV during exam time, you
could end up getting a "klap" from your mother. In America , that is
called child abuse. In South Africa , it is called promoting
education.
But to get "lekker geklap" is to get motherlessly drunk.


Lekker
An Afrikaans word meaning nice, this word is used by all language
groups to express approval. If you enjoyed a braai thoroughly, you
can say: "Now that was lekk-errrrrrr!" while drawing out the last
syllable.


Tackies
These are sneakers or running shoes. The word is also used to
describe automobile or truck tyres. "Fat tackies" are really wide tyres, as
in: "You've got lekker fat tackies on your Vôlla, hey?"


Dop
This word has two basic meanings, one good and one bad. First the
good: A dop is a drink, a cocktail, a sundowner, a noggin. When
invited for a dop, be careful! It could be one sedate drink or a
blast, depending on the company. Now the bad: To dop is to fail. If
you "dopped" standard two (Grade 4) more than once, you probably
won't be reading this.


Saamie
This is a sandwich. For generations, school- children have traded
"saamies" during lunch breaks. In South Africa you don't send your
kid to school with liver-polony saamies. They are impossible to trade.


Bakkie
This word is pronounced "bucky" and can refer to a small truck or
pick-up. If a young man takes his "girl" (date) in a bakkie it could
be considered as a not so "lekker" form of transport because the
seats can't recline.


Howzit
This is a universal South African greeting, and you will hear this
word throughout the country. It is often accompanied with the word
"Yes!" as in: "Yes, howzit?". In which case you answer "No, fine."


Now now
In much of the outside world, this is a comforting phrase: "Now now,
it's really not so bad." But in South Africa , this phrase is used
in the following manner: "Just wait, I'll be there now now." It means
"a little after now".


Tune grief
To be tuned grief is to be aggravated, harassed. For example, if you
argue with somebody about a rugby game at a braai and the person had
too much dop (is a little "geklap"), he might easily get aggravated
and say.: "You're tuning me grief, hey!". To continue the argument
after this could be unwise and result in major tuning of grief..


Boet
This is an Afrikaans word meaning "brother" which is shared by all
language groups. Pronounced "boot" but shorter, as in "foot", it can
be applied to a brother or any person of the male sex. For instance
a father can call his son "boet" and friends can apply the term to
each other too. Sometimes the diminutive "boetie" is used. But don't use
it on someone you hardly know - it will be thought patronizing and
could lead to you getting a "lekker klap".


Pasop
From the Afrikaans phrase meaning "Watch Out!", this warning is used
and heeded by all language groups. As in: "The boss hasn't had his
coffee yet - so you better pasop boet" Sometimes just the word
"pasop!" is enough without further explanation. Everyone knows it
sets out a line in the sand not to be crossed.


Skop, Skiet en donner
Literally "kick, shoot and thunder", this phrase is used by many
South African speakers to describe action movies. A Clint Eastwood movie
is always a good choice if you're in the mood for of a lekker skop,
skiet en donner flick.


Vrot
Pronounced - "frot". A expressive word which means "rotten" or
"putrid" in Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe
anything they really dislike. Most commonly intended to describe
fruit or vegetables whose shelf lives have long expired, but a pair of old
tackies (sneakers) worn a few years too long can be termed "vrot" by
some unfortunate folk which find themselves in the same vicinity as
the wearer. Also a rugby player who misses important kicks or
tackles can be said to have played a vrot game - opposite to a "lekker" game
(but not to his face). A movie was once reviewed with this headline:
"Slick Flick, Vrot Plot."


Rock up
To rock up is to just, sort of arrive (called "gate crash" in other
parts of the world). You don't make an appointment or tell anyone
you are coming - you just rock up. Friends can do that but you have to
be selective about it. For example, you can't just rock up for a job
interview.


Scale
To scale something is to steal it. A person who is "scaly" has a
doubtful character, is possibly a scumbag, and should rather be left
off the invitation list to your next braai.

Ja-nee
"Yes No" in English. Politics in South Africa has always been
associated with family arguments and in some cases even with
physical fights. It is believed that this _expression originated with a family member who didn't want to get a klap or get donnerred, so he just
every now and then muttered "ja-nee". Use it when you are required
to respond, but would rather not choose to agree or disagree.

"In my weird politically incorrect hypothetically incoherent contradicting obscured world definitively maybe"

The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 22:08
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?" "That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't." "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys." "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
The Slayer
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 22:17
Bill Gates croaked it and met his maker, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and we even have them up here now, yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.

Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?" God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek. I've set up webcams at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?" Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear blue waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven." God said, "Here then" and clicked on his mouse and they viewed Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell." "As you wish," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This isn't what we watched at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver..."



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
Image All
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 22:56 Edited at: 30th Jan 2010 01:14
While we're on the topic of the afterlife,


A very rich man is told by his doctor that he is dying of cancer and has 3 weeks left to live. On the last day, he prays harder than he ever had before, begging God to let him bring his riches with him into Heaven. After much begging, God relents and agrees to allow the man to pack one suitcase with gold. The man packs his biggest suitcase, lies on his bed, and dies. When he arrives at the Gates, St. Peter asks to examine the luggage. When he opens the suitcase, St. Peter looks at the man inquisitively and asks, "You brought pavement?"


-------------------------------


An Italian man comes to America on vacation, and books a room at a five-star hotel. The chambermaid leads him to his room, and asks, "Sir, would you like one sheet on your bed, or two?" The man replies, "If you sheet on my bed I'll kill you!"


-------------------------------


A blond, a brunette and a redhead rob a gas station. The clerk calls the police as soon as they get out the door, giving a description of the vehicle they leave in. The trio drives away and, upon hearing the sirens in the distance, park the car in the general vicinity of a barn, which they enter. Each woman hides in a gunny sack. The police spot the car, and enter the barn. Once officer looks around and suspects that the bags could be their hiding place. He kicks the bag with the brunette in it, and she cries "Meow!" The officer shrugs and says "it's just a stupid cat." He kicks the next bag with the redhead in it and she cries "Woof!" The officer shrugs and says "It's just a stupid dog." He kicks the last bag, and the blond cries "Potatoes!"


--------------------------------


Tarzan is the monkey man, he swings on vines as fast as he can; he trips, he falls, he lands on his balls--they rip, they tear, but Tarzan don't care, 'cause he's the monkey man!


-------------------------------

Ok, i don't know about these they're kind of morbid :


[ModEdit] Not Appropriate [/ModEdit]


Remember those old guys? They made epic renders, I think one of them was called DaVinci, and all they used was MS Paint. Sometimes it's just skill....
Melancholic
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 23:48
@Image All, this thread is for funny jokes, not mentally deranged ones like thoase.....
lazerus
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 23:55
I lauged through sheer shock factor/ someone was sick enough to think them up/ an the fact its beyond me, those are not jokes. Thier nasty and well unnessacery.

Venge
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Posted: 29th Jan 2010 23:58
What on earth made you think that any of those are remotely appropriate for this forum? Keep it on 4chan or whatever cesspool you dug them out of.


I will live forever or die trying.
My game blog
Shadowtroid
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 00:03
What was that? Those jokes are for killing Blaine, and have no other reason to exist.

"And we played the first thing that came to our heads...Just so happened to be... the best song in the world...

it was the best song in the world..."
Bugsy
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 00:14
Quote: "@Image All, this thread is for funny jokes, not mentally deranged ones like thoase..... "


all but that last one were hilarious. sometimes people need to relax and realize that they're just joking.

oh and

(I don't know if this has been told in this thread yet)

three men died and were brought up to heaven where they were confronted by saint peter.

"it's christmas time" he said "and we've been letting a lot of people in lately. to be let in, you each..." he hesitated..."have to show me something christmas related that you have on your personas."

the first man reached into his pocket, and pulled out some bells. he was immediately let in.

the sceond man fumbled around a bit and pulled out a small lightbulb. "It's a light, like a christmas tree light" he said anxiously. he was let in.

the third man snickered and reached into his pocket. he pulled out a pair of panties. "they're Carol's"



to fenix mod!
pictionaryjr
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 00:21 Edited at: 30th Jan 2010 00:22
Blonde Jokes

1)
A blonde walks into a store and asks if she can buy a microwave. The clerk looks at her and say sorry we don't sell to blondes. The blonde leaves, gets a wig and comes back in and asks the clerk if she can buy the microwave again. The clerk looks at her and says sorry we don't sell to blondes. The blonde takes off the wig and asks how'd you know i was a blonde. The clerk looks at her and says because thats not a microwave, thats a TV.

2)
Whats the easiest way to kill a blonde?


3)
Two blondes were heading to disney world. They pull up to a street sign that says disney left, so they went home.



You think it. We create it.
xplosys
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 00:27
As a guy walks into a restaurant and sits at the lunch counter, the waitress walks up and says "What'll you have?"

The guy doesn't order but looks closely at the waitress and says, "You look just like my first wife."

"Oh?" replies the waitress, "Your first wife, huh?"

"Yes." the man says. "Unfortunately she died."

"Oh no, I'm so sorry!" the waitress replies. "How did it happen?"

"She ate poison mushrooms." the man explained. "But it was a long time ago. After that I met my second wife."

"Well that's nice." the waitress said, feeling a little better for the man.

"Yes, it was nice but unfortunately, she died too." the man returned.

"Oh my God!" the waitress cried out. "How terrible that must have been for you to go through that again. How did she die?"

"She too ate poison mushrooms" the man explained one again, "but it was a while ago and I met my third wife after that."

"That's incredible that they both died of poison mushrooms. Thank God you have your third wife to help you through the pain." the waitress tried to sooth him.

"Yes but unfortunately she died as well." the man said.

The waitress, beginning to see a pattern here just had to know. "Don't tell me..." she said, "Was it poison mushrooms?"

"No", the man explained, "she died of a concussion. She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Brian.

lazerus
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 01:09 Edited at: 30th Jan 2010 01:14
lol brian, that was amazing...

For those of you with a nervous disposition, just to let you know, you computer is not actually on and this is all in your mind.

Image All
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 05:10 Edited at: 30th Jan 2010 05:14
My mind is pretty amazing then.


[edit] I suppose I should justify posting with a joke o.O


A man moves to Texas, where Everything is Big!
He books a room at a five-star hotel, a bigger hotel than he's ever seen in his life.
"This is a big hotel," he exclaims, to which the clerk replies, "Everything's Big in Texas!"
He goes into his room, explores the entire suite, looks at the King-size bed, and says "This is a huge room!", to which the chambermaid replies "Everything's big in Texas!"
That evening he dines on a large T-bone steak, the largest he's ever seen;
"This is a huge steak," he exclaims; the waiter replies, "Everything's big in Texas!"
Feeling a bit full, he asks the waiter, "Which way to the bathroom?"
"It's down that hall, third door to the right."
The man goes down the hall, in quite a hurry, and runs through the door on the left.
He lands in the swimming pool, and as he surfaces, his screams run through the whole first floor: "DON'T FLUSH IT, DON'T FLUSH IT!!"


Remember those old guys? They made epic renders, I think one of them was called DaVinci, and all they used was MS Paint. Sometimes it's just skill....
Kevin Picone
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 07:03
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flash light around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,


'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flash light off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot.




'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

The Slayer
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 13:31
Okay, so here's another <edit> joke. 'Edit', you get it???

This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an appointment and goes the following day.
The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor.
Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..."
Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's got a nice pair of <edits> too!"



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
The Slayer
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 13:46
A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"
The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering."
The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?"
"It's your <edit>. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large <edit> - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with."
The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?"
"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."
"Do it!" the guy replies. So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment.
He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only made love once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter <edit>. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without making love - I want you to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da- deal!"



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
David R
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 13:53 Edited at: 30th Jan 2010 13:53
@wizard of id: You forgot 'fook' and 'fookin prawn' from your list

09-f9-11-02-9d-74-e3-5b-d8-41-56-c5-63-56-88-c0
The Slayer
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 14:10




Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
wizard of id
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 14:14
Quote: "@wizard of id: You forgot 'fook' and 'fookin prawn' from your list "

I can't do that swearing you know...however it is a single 'o' and not double 'o''s if you want the proper Afrikaans spelling

I just love swearing people in Afrikaans....Sadly most people do not get the prawn part...

Besides it refers to an insect found in parktown commonly known as a Parktown Prawn a huge version of a cockroach that breeds well in the appalling conditions found in Parktown.The word prawn did not exist before the movie...

I just love the Afrikaans swearing in the movie also most of it is lost to foreign viewers.....

"In my weird politically incorrect hypothetically incoherent contradicting obscured world definitively maybe"

wizard of id
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 15:56
http://www.google.com/intl/xx-elmer/


Quote: "WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.""




Quote: "WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton."


Quote: "<unconfirmed>
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner (great sense of humour!).
</unconfirmed>

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not...oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don 't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can di spense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

"


Some funny ATC Conversations:


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."


Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."


Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

"In my weird politically incorrect hypothetically incoherent contradicting obscured world definitively maybe"

The Slayer
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Posted: 30th Jan 2010 18:37
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!

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