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Geek Culture / Telling Jokes...CAN WE???

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The Slayer
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Posted: 4th Feb 2010 22:09
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A couple of old golfing buddies were golfing when the one mentioned he was going to see Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures. His buddy remarked that he had gone to Dr. Taylor a few years before. "Is that so?" "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was on the course yesterday when a young fellow on the ninth hole hooked a line drive shot," he said. "The ball was going 200 mph when it nailed me right in the buttocks. Well, that was the first time in three years my teeth didn't hurt."

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!"



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DrewG
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Posted: 5th Feb 2010 08:36
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Guess who's been sober for 90 days!







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Posted: 5th Feb 2010 10:51
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Okay I have an annoying one, maybe pretty bad but it's much better when you tell someone in person.

This priest is staying at the Vatican to attend a very important meeting. Anyway, he attends the meeting but decides to stay a night or two. He is awakened in the middle of the night to a horrific, blood-curdling scream! He runs outside, and he finds a monk standing in the main courtyard. He asks the monk, "What on Earth was that awful scream? How terrible!" and the monk replies "I'm afraid I cannot tell you, you're not a monk." Anyway, he finds a very large commotion outside a mysterious door, although the door is locked. He asks a monk standing on the side of the door, "This door, where does it lead?" to which the monk replies, "I cannot tell you, you're not a monk." So the priest shrugs and heads back to bed.

On the night before he leaves, the priest awakes by some obscure obsession and decides to find out what is behind the door. He is surprised to find it unlocked.

When he gets inside, he is completely shocked to find that the door conceals a massive underground lake. He doesn't want to get cold but he dives into the lake and swims all the way across the vast expanse.

When he gets to the end he finds a flight of stairs, going down and down and down. He climbs all the way down, and by the time he gets to the bottom, he is absolutely winded.

He finds another door but this one is actually locked. He was extremely frustrated by then but through some searching he finds an old fire extinguisher, and manages to bash the door enough to make it open.

Through that door he finds a strange pyramid of some sort, and navigates his way through it with a torch. When he gets to the very centre, he finds a dark room.

This room possesses a very dark feeling of horror, and in the centre the priest finds an ordinary cardboard box, mounted on top of a large pile of dead bodies. The priest is terrified but doesn't want to go all that way back.

He climbs up the mound of bodies and through sheer force of mind, opens the box, produces a horrific, blood-curdling scream and dies.


Wanna know what was in the box?



Your signature has been erased by a mod - Please reduce it to 600x120 maximum size
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The Slayer
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Posted: 5th Feb 2010 20:20
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3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

**********************************************

One morning, a mama cow and her three baby cows were out grazing in the field. The first baby cow comes up to the mama cow and says, "Mama, why is my name Daisy?"

And the mama cow said, "Well sweetie, when you were born, a daisy fell on your head."

And the first baby cow trotted off, satisfied.

The next day, they were all out in the field again. The second baby cow came up to the mama cow and said, "Mama, why is my name Tulip?"

"Well, honey, when you were born a tulip fell on your head."

And the baby cow was happy with that answer and continued grazing.

The next day, they all went out into the field again to graze. The third baby cow came up to the mama cow and said,
"GLUPHABABABLUGHARDTHYPOGHHH!!!"

And the mama cow said,
"Yeah son, your name is Brick."

************************************************

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
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The Slayer
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Posted: 6th Feb 2010 20:35
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Why I'm Tired?

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.


140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice.



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The Slayer
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Posted: 6th Feb 2010 21:08 Edited at: 6th Feb 2010 21:09
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The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"

"Yep."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

***********************************************************

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed' the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven. It's free!"

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your #@!%&~ bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"



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Posted: 6th Feb 2010 21:45
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NOT FUNNY!

Zombie: I died.
Friend: No.
Zombie: Yeah.
Zombie: And I came back to life.
Friend: No! Your were dead long time ago.


NOT FUNNY!

I suck!!

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Indicium
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Posted: 7th Feb 2010 19:59
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Quote: "NOT FUNNY!

Zombie: I died.
Friend: No.
Zombie: Yeah.
Zombie: And I came back to life.
Friend: No! Your were dead long time ago.


NOT FUNNY!

I suck!!"


This is a joke thread, keep em coming xD i love these

Windows Vista 32-Bit Home Premium Intel Pentium Dual-Core @ 1.46Ghz 2038mb RAM
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The Slayer
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Posted: 7th Feb 2010 20:44
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There was a family that had a parrot that was always embarrassing them by cussing and other stuff like that.

So one day the boy took the parrot and stuck him in the freezer.

Two hours later the squawking stopped.

The kid checked the freezer and the parrot said, “Okay I’ll stop cussing, but I have one question”.

The boy said, “What”?

The Parrot asks, “What did the turkey do”???

*****************************************************

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
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The Slayer
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Posted: 7th Feb 2010 21:01 Edited at: 7th Feb 2010 22:09
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A Love Story

I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and control you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

********************************************
MOD EDIT: REMOVED RACIST JOKE



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Jeku
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Posted: 7th Feb 2010 22:09
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How about let's not tell racist jokes?


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Posted: 8th Feb 2010 19:45
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Was I funny?

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The Slayer
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Posted: 9th Feb 2010 00:14
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One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

******************************************************

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

*******************************************************

In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"



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The Slayer
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Posted: 9th Feb 2010 00:35
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The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."

************************************************

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.



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Lonnehart
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Posted: 9th Feb 2010 03:24 Edited at: 9th Feb 2010 03:26
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Why did the toads cross the busy wet road?
They wanted to get to the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the busy wet road?
To show the toads how.

Because every time it rains around here, I run over too many toads, but I have yet to hit a single chicken...

In the beginning there was nothing. There'll be nothing in the end...
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Libervurto
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Posted: 9th Feb 2010 03:33
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What do you get if you cross a chimpanzee with a revolver?

Fail

"With games, we create these elaborate worlds in our minds, and the computer is there to do the bookkeeping." - Will Wright
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DrewG
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Posted: 9th Feb 2010 05:11
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Kalinka
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Posted: 9th Feb 2010 15:06
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I bet you never heard this one. I made it and it sucks.

After Microsoft release his Project Natal there wont be fatal errors there will be fatal errors! hahahahaha

Dunno why but i love this joke


http://kalinka3d.weebly.com
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C0wbox
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Posted: 9th Feb 2010 16:34
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You can tune a piano, but you can't tune a fish. !

Oh yeh and a scarecrow once received a Nobel prize for being outstanding in his field. xD

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zeroSlave
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Posted: 9th Feb 2010 16:48
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
An interrupting cow.
An interrupti
MOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

There's something in this room that makes you can't speak well.
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Insert Name Here
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Posted: 9th Feb 2010 23:54
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The codfish lays a thousand eggs
The comely egg lays one
Yet the codfish never cackles
To tell you when she's done
And so we shun the codfish
While the comely hen we prize
Which only goes to show you
That it pays to advertise.

[center]You can get further with a smile and a gun than you can with just a smile.
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The Slayer
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Posted: 10th Feb 2010 00:38
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There were two indians and a cowboy walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave.

He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.

The cowboy was puzzled and asked the other indian what that was all about, was that indian goofy or something.

"No", said the other indian. "It is mating time for us indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.

Well, just about that time, the other indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.

The cowboy started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.

As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!"

Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, Naked Cowboy Run Over By Freight Train!!

*************************************************

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

********************************************************

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. As they both walk around the place, Gen. McKenzie asks, "So how are your men?"

Gen. Marshall: "Very well trained sir."

Gen. McKenzie: "I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could say that they're the bravest men in the country."

Gen. Marshall: "Well, my men are very brave, too."

Gen. McKenzie: "Well, I'd like to see just how brave you think they are."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says, "Private Cooper! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It would kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!"

As private Cooper ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said, "You see? You have to be pretty damn brave to talk like that to a general."

*************************************************

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pant leg and I heard the bigger one say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter", that was the last straw."



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Posted: 11th Feb 2010 21:02
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One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

***************************************************************

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

************************************************************

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
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Shadowtroid
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Ha. That's stupid. Microsoft doesn't have technicians...

"And we played the first thing that came to our heads...Just so happened to be... the best song in the world...

it was the best song in the world..."
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Cybermind
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Posted: 12th Feb 2010 19:16
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MAGICIAN: And for the nights last magic dissappearring trick, I need 1.000 dollars in cash and the keys to the fastest car on the parking lot...

The byte chrunchers are coming...
DIVIDING BY ZERO/BECAUSE WE SUCK...
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Cyborg ART
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Posted: 12th Feb 2010 20:40 Edited at: 12th Feb 2010 20:44
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In Sweden we often tell "Norway jokes" because we love our neighbours so much (and I know they thell "Sweden jokes" about us )

So here are a few (notice that these are just jokes, nothing else)
And sossry for bad translation...

-Do you know how the Norwegian army search for landmines?
-They cover their ears and stomp the ground


-Do you know what it sais in the bottom of the swimmingpool in Norway?
-NO SMOKING


-Do you know why the Norwegian motorcycle drivers wears caps instead of helmets?
-They did a test, dropping a cap and a helmet from a highhouse. The helmet split, but not the cap...


Ole has ended up in prison.
-Why are there bars over the windows?
-For safety reasons, the guard answered
-I dont believe that! Why would someone break into here?




[edit] Another:

Two Norwegians:
-Can you believe that in USA one person is getting hit by a car every 15 minutes?
-What a bad luck he must have...

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zeroSlave
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Posted: 12th Feb 2010 21:10
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One joke I always liked. It can't really be used on the forum, but it can be pretty funny to do to someone! Ask them if they want to hear a funny knock knock joke. When they say yes, you say: "Okay you start. Ask me knock knock." After they say it, say: "Who's there."

Example:
Me: Yo dude, wanna hear a funny knock knock joke?
Friend: Sure!
Me: Okay, you start. Ask me knock knock...
Friend: Okay, Knock Knock.
Me: Who's there?
Friend: ...

There's something in this room that makes you can't speak well.
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Lonnehart
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Posted: 17th Feb 2010 00:20
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Just another bad joke...

We see into the door of the bedroom of a house. And we can hear a woman talking to her husband...

woman: Take off my dress.
*dress falls onto the bed*
woman: take off my bra.
*a bra falls onto the bed*
woman: Now take off my panties.
*a pair of panties falls onto the bed*

woman: I don't want to catch you wearing my clothes again, you hear?

For that bad joke, I'll go shoot myself with a wooden gun... x_x

In the beginning there was nothing. There'll be nothing in the end...
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The Slayer
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Posted: 20th Feb 2010 00:26
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The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

****************************************************************

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. So, they stopped her to tell her she had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail, they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser, and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets, they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate". They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live". She replied: "I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

****************************************************************

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological visulization-techniques, it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank.
He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
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SamHH
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Posted: 20th Feb 2010 02:26
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Never heard the one about the couple/family that go into the talent agency?
In it's place:
I was having dinner out the other night and I saw a pair of priests across from me, I didn't know whether to send them a bottle of wine or a cub scout.


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Shadowtroid
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Posted: 20th Feb 2010 02:29
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I got one:

I disgruntled latin teacher went to a bar. He said, "Give me a martinus."

The bartender said, "Don't you mean a martini?"

"If I wanted 2, I'd have asked for 2."

HAHA!! Oh, man, I'm funny.

"And we played the first thing that came to our heads...Just so happened to be... the best song in the world...

it was the best song in the world..."
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Yodaman Jer
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Posted: 20th Feb 2010 04:26
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^^Epic win.

Follow me on Twitter!
Also check out my videos on Vimeo.
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The Slayer
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Posted: 27th Feb 2010 17:44
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During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.

The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
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The Slayer
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Posted: 27th Feb 2010 18:10
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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."



Slayer rules!!! Yeaaah, man!
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Shadowtroid
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Posted: 5th Mar 2010 00:52
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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

Q: What's blue and fluffy?
A: Blue fluff.

A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him. God replied, ''Oh, about one penny.'' Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him. God replied, ''Oh, about a second.'' Then the man asked. ''Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?'' God replied, ''Sure, just wait a sec.''

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

*Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.

*Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

*Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

*Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

*Hit strangers with your flutter board.

*Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.

*Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''

*Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

*Swim near a stranger and go ''Dangit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.''

*Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

*Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''

*Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.

*Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

*Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

*Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

*Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

*Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

*When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.

*Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around.

*Hit strangers with your wet towel.

*Throw people's things into the pool.

*Sing and dance on top of the dinving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale.

*Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

*Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

Signs You Picked the Wrong ISP
10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, e-mail, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
1. They charge by the word.

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Thistle Studios
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Posted: 6th Mar 2010 17:04
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Heres a few:

Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 789.

A panda walks into a bar and orders a meal. Shortly after finishing, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots a nearby waiter, killing him. The panda then proceeds to leave the bar. When the police catch up to him and ask him why he did it, the panda replied "Look me up in the dictionary." What did they find?
Panda: Eats shoots and leaves.

Newton: Ive invented Calculus!
Leibniz: Ive invented Calculus!
Newton: Really? Sounds a bit...
*puts on sunglasses*
Newton: Derivative.


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Endangered City. An Endangered Species
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Shadowtroid
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Posted: 6th Mar 2010 18:06
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Quote: "Newton: Ive invented Calculus!
Leibniz: Ive invented Calculus!
Newton: Really? Sounds a bit...
*puts on sunglasses*
Newton: Derivative."


Stolen from XKCD
(buried for inaccuracy )

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Thistle Studios
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Posted: 6th Mar 2010 18:37
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Hehe, I still dont get the joke


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Shadowtroid
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Posted: 6th Mar 2010 18:52
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Quote: " I still dont get the joke "


http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543

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Thistle Studios
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Posted: 6th Mar 2010 18:57
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Quote: "Newton: Derivative.""


That was what I didnt get.


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Shadowtroid
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Posted: 6th Mar 2010 18:58
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Calculus is based on deriving.

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Thistle Studios
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Posted: 6th Mar 2010 19:00
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I know that part, but its why the joke is funny that I dont get. My maths teacher couldnt explain it to me since I dont learn Calculus until I do Higher Maths (Im from Scotland btw, we do Standard Grades then Highers)


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budokaiman
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Posted: 6th Mar 2010 19:03 Edited at: 6th Mar 2010 19:03
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The joke is that Isaac Newton and Gottfried Leibniz both founded calculus at similar times, on their own, but Newton was first. Newton says that his Leibniz's work is derivative of his own, the joke is because Derivation is a major part of calculus as Shadowtroid said.

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Thistle Studios
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Posted: 6th Mar 2010 19:06
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So... Let me put this into my words (correct me if I am wrong)

Derivative is used in two contexts, both in Calculus and doesnt it also mean when you "Derive something from something else e.g what its based on?"


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Shadowtroid
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Posted: 6th Mar 2010 19:12
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Yes.

Good job.

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Libervurto
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Posted: 6th Mar 2010 20:56
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I made a joke.

What is Confucius' favourite film?

What is Socrates' favourite film?


another.

I think I might be vegetarian.
I always feel guilty after eating a lion bar.

"With games, we create these elaborate worlds in our minds, and the computer is there to do the bookkeeping." - Will Wright
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wizard of id
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Posted: 6th Mar 2010 20:57
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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shirt."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

"In my weird politically incorrect hypothetically incoherent contradicting obscured world definitively maybe"

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Libervurto
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Posted: 6th Mar 2010 21:10
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Just made one up.

A restaurant owner was told by an inspector that he was required to have a disabled toilet on his premises.
So he got out his sledgehammer and smashed one of them.
And then was arrested for manslaughter... no he smashed a toilet you fool!

"With games, we create these elaborate worlds in our minds, and the computer is there to do the bookkeeping." - Will Wright
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Jeku
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Posted: 7th Mar 2010 08:12
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Quote: "A restaurant owner was told by an inspector that he was required to have a disabled toilet on his premises.
So he got out his sledgehammer and smashed one of them.
And then was arrested for manslaughter... no he smashed a toilet you fool!"


That... makes no sense at all.


Senior Web Developer - Nokia
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Lonnehart
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Posted: 7th Mar 2010 09:02
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I think that last line was supposed to be the punchline. "And then he was arrested for manslaughter..." was supposed to lead you one place, but then it's immediately replaced by "no he smashed the toilet, you fool!". Well... that's how I'm looking at it anyway.

In the beginning there was nothing. There'll be nothing in the end...
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